Strange Bird

("so this is the new year, and I don't feel any different")

2012-01-09T00:12:00.003-05:00

So I've been having a few ups & downs lately, and there's definitely a pattern, so maybe I should get around to solving that? It's just... difficult.

Gosh, I don't even know how to word it!

Haha, I literally just wrote three different paragraphs, and deleted each one! Paragraph, thought, delete. Paragraph, rephrase, thought, delete. Paragraph, exasperated frustration with clumsy fingers, delete.

This is going to be an interesting year.
I have no idea what I'm going to do!
I guess that means that every week is going to be an adventure, hm? In the good way?
Let's hope so.

Things I Want to Start Doing-

working out semi-regularly (biking, weights, etc.)
cleaning
going places with friends!
going back to school....? eventually....?

BLARGH

2012-01-06T18:00:00.003-05:00

OKAY SO ST LOUIS AND EVERYTHING SURROUNDING IT WAS FANTASTIC,
thank you Sab & Meg for being such wonderful hosts [& people], it was so great that I can't even remember in what order we did things.
Mostly I just want to live at the City Museum and get a metro pass or whatever so I can eat delicious food and drink great tea all the time, that would be the best course of action, yes.
My feelings are just a giant keyboard smash of warm fuzzies.

(also-
"He could be a very tiny assassin! I read about it once!"
or something like that, I should have written it down as soon as it happened!
and I cannot forget that dream I had, with the kittens that went BLARGH instead of those cute little mews, aaaahhhhhhahahahahaha I was so confused in the dream but now it just makes me laugh!)

and on that note I will leave you with toe socks in love.

PS
wow this is a really quality way to start the new year, first post and all that jazz, I think I am actually going to try to change things this year, like work on who I want to be and what the heck I'm doing with my life, so I may or may not discuss that when I'm not feeling so discombobulated. Haha, jokes on you, I'm like that almost all the time.

"I've got songs in my blood."

2011-12-07T21:08:00.005-05:00

I REALLY LOVE THIS SONG.

I ADORE IT.

and so on and so forth.

2011-12-06T21:00:00.004-05:00

This song will just randomly pop into my head sometimes, and at one point I was listening to it & drawing at the same time & this is what came out! I'm not sure if it's totally obvious, but that's supposed to be a yoke around his neck? Memory is an interesting thing, and it pretty much failed in that case. Haha!

Also, my brother directed my attention towards another band; their music is very chill & lounge-sounding, and I am quite fond of them so far. This is one of my favorites so far-

also this one!

Alright I'll stop there, but yay more music! I'll have to post more next time because I have a renewed love for Noah & the Whale. Their song, "The Love of an Orchestra" is just one of my favorite songs ever, at the moment. Probably forever! I just wish it were longer, because it's so beautiful. Anyways!

Life?

I am possibly getting another job...? I'm not sure if I want it, honestly, for a myriad of reasons. One, I'd be a homecare worker, helping an elderly patient around the house. That's not a big thing, I guess, but... it just makes me feel bad! I worked at an old folks' home for about a week of work-study in high school before doing everything I could to switch jobs into something else. Working with old people just feels like drowning! Maybe it would be different if I was working one-on-one, in the person's house, but still... Eeeh. Beyond that, there's the whole problem of how I'm going to get there. At the moment my family only has two cars, and between four of us having six jobs already... we're scrabbling just to make it work now! How would it work if I got a third job and needed rides? Would I have to start taking the bus? But bus routes are stupid and only available certain times of day and 99% of the time, it's the wrong time! Thirdly, I can't imagine that I'd have much energy after all this. The hours are 2 pm-10 pm, so I'd also have to adjust my current work schedule, since none of the places I work at have shifts that line up together.

The only pro in this case would be that I'm getting paid above $10/hour, getting in about 16 hours a week.
Part of me is saying, "No no no!"
and then my brain is sitting there saying, "If you go into it with that attitude, of course you won't enjoy it! Stop being silly, think of how much you'd be getting paid! You'd be able to save up to see all your friends much faster!"

So I guess that a part of me has already decided that I'm going to take the job...
Hahaha!
Well that's easier now.
I just have to grin and bear it, and the day when I can get on that plane will come even sooner!

huh. well. wow?

2011-12-05T15:07:00.003-05:00

This is an interesting thing.

Here's my result-

and here's the second try that I did with my brother and I sort of discussing the answers?-

Haha! It's funny because I enjoy taking personality tests and things along those lines, because they're... so interesting! I'm not very good at figuring things out for myself, so it's fun to do things like this and then think about them, "Is this true? How true is it? How false?"
You know? It's like I'm teaching myself by playing hot & cold with tests! Yay or nay?

(PS I said there would be sketches and there are sketches TADA here's the first)

I don't know if you can read my handwriting in the bottom right, but... Yeah! What's it called? Water shape dynamics for speed? UUUGH, I know there's a word for it!

Balulalow

2011-12-02T13:28:00.000-05:00

(music starts about 14 seconds in)

I just...really love them now.
There are a myriad of soft spots in my heart for various things. Musically, I think some of my major soft spots are female vocalists, harmony, and lyrics that sound cool/ inspiring (in a way that makes me want to draw things).
No female singers here, but they've got the other two.

(also wow, that's a really hard word to say. Balulalow. BUH. LOO. LUH. LAO. There, got it.

(be quiet I am in a music phase this is perfectly acceptable you'll get sketches soon shhhhhh)

PS- VENTING a little bit.

2011-11-30T01:34:00.005-05:00

Because I think only people I know read this and it's okay if I vent here anyways?
I'm allowed to feel frustrated sometimes, we all do, it's okay.

Life isn't really anything, it's just life and the most we can do is just live it. We can work hard, we can be friendly, try to be nice, put effort into things, etc. Sometimes that works! Hardworking people can go places, get what they want, and succeed. Sometimes it doesn't turn out that way. That's life.
So why do I feel so... angry!

Here's the topic.
My sister.
It's horrible because she's literally the only noun that can get me really angry anymore. Other people can be rude to me, yell at me, say inappropriate or stupid or mean things- I'll be angry/upset/sad at first, but it'll mostly fade. I mean, if it was bad enough then I'll probably still be a little butthurt about it sometimes, but not like this.
It's sad because I feel like whenever I talk to my friends these days, all I can talk about is how angry I am at her and it makes me feel so horrible and guilty, like I'm a bad sister! But... ugh.
She is a constant source of stress and fury in my life.

Here's the current problem.
I just came back from working a year in Arizona, alright? I was getting paid about $460 a month, after taxes and helping one of the students stay enrolled. That's an okay paycheck for someone who works part-time. I wasn't working part-time. I was definitely full-time. SO FULL TIME it's almost not funny, just a little uncomfortably past the character building mark. If I had been getting paid minimum wage by the hour, I'd have made over $1,000 (before taxes). I'm not going to get into that experience right now, but the point is that I worked my butt off.
Okay.
So I come back from working my butt off, and the FIRST WEEK that I'm back home, I get a job. It's paying a little less than the my AZ job, but I'm working fewer hours and actually getting paid minimum wage. Alright, this is cool, I'm still working pretty hard but it's not quite as emotionally draining. I can do this. Maybe I can start saving up money, right?
Wrong.
Suddenly (except not suddenly, because this has been happening for a while and I just haven't heard about it) my family is behind on a bunch of payments and my bank account is going into the negatives every paycheck because I'm helping to pay the bills. Eventually I learn to have $10 hidden in my room so I can quickly deposit it before I get charged overdraft fees.
Oh look, Allison is sitting around the house doing NOTHING.
But wait! My mother sent in an application for her, and got her a job. Allison put about zero effort into this. But hey, she got a job! And look, it pays about a dollar more than mine! And she's getting slightly more hours! And we have a very slight discount on our groceries! There is hope for us (and my bank account) yet. Until she got fired for pulling a no-call-no-show twice.
But okay, she can get another job, right?
While she sits around and continues to do nothing?
Literally guys, she'll do the dishes a few times a week but other than that she'll just sit on the computer.
She says she's putting in applications! So why hasn't anyone called her back?
Meanwhile, I get a second job. Still getting paid minimum wage! Working much harder now, because I asked for more hours at that first job and got what I wanted in the worst way possible, in the form of my boss lecturing me about how I need to step up the pace because essentially I'm a failure! Wow, so inspiring! And would you believe it, my new boss at the other place believes almost the exact same thing! Man these jobs are great.
Hey, look!
My mother has decided to take things into her own hands once again, and submits another application for my sister, and ONCE AGAIN succeeds in getting her a job. This time she'll be working 40 hours a week, getting paid about $9.5/hour. That's $2 over minimum wage. That's about $1,500 before taxes. I'm jealous. So, so jealous. But it's a seasonal job, so I figure that it's not really worth giving up my other two jobs, which have slightly more job security (very slight, at this point). Surely my sister will have learned her lesson, and will focus at least half of her energy into not messing this up?
NOPE.
First day of training and she doesn't show up. She has to leave a message asking to reschedule, because 1) she left her purse at a party downtown a weekend ago, 2) her friend went back to Columbus to get it for her, 3) it's been sitting in his car for a few days, 4) she knew all that time that what she needed to start training was in her purse, 5) AND SHE DID NOTHING ABOUT IT. 6). SHE WASN'T EVEN GOING TO CALL THEM ASKING TO RESCHEDULE, EXCEPT I WAS WOKEN UP AT 6 AM BY MY FATHER TALKING LOUDLY AND ANGRILY TO HER BEFORE GIVING UP AND LETTING HER GO BACK TO SLEEP. But I was still awake, and if I was awake then she didn't deserve to be sleeping. So I went into her room and I NAGGED THE HELL OUT OF HER until one of my parents told me to leave her alone, and I went back to bed and cried because THIS ISN'T FAIR.

I'm getting less hours at my first job, now, because (like my boss said) I'm a failure. I'm only getting two shifts a week at my second job because I thought I'd be working more day shifts at my first job (false).
Through all of this, my parents expect me to keep the house clean. No, I phrased that wrong. They expect me to clean the house, because it is a mess, and THEN I have to keep it clean. Because I'm the responsible one. I'm responsible. I have a responsibility. To help the family.

You guys.

I'm twenty.

If you were to step back and look at my lifestyle choices, I'm pretty much a goody-two-shoes at this point. No smoking, no hangovers, no sex, no drugs... I rarely see my friends. Well, the two friends that are still in the same metro area. The other friends I basically never see.
That wasn't a "please feel sorry for me" paragraph. I mean, it probably was, but I'm just saying...

Life is hard.

Life is really, really, REALLY HARD.

I just want to go to St Louis, MO. Meet Sab, go up in the Arch, go to a museum or two, impose on Meg's hospitality. She'd get out her stash of tea leaves (so cool!) and we'd craft things together and be artsy and creative and fun. I might force her to let me read some more of her writing, too! Or I'd force her to read something. Either way, her arm is getting twisted. For the forces of good!

I just want to go to Alabama. First I'd see Ayana and Culo at Oakwood and hug them both. I don't have dreams with Ayana in them very often, but when she does appear I give her a hug. That's how good her hugs are. Then I'd go see DJ at Tuskegee, and he'd make me a mix drink or two and we'd share feelings. He's the best at making me talk about feelings, it's horrible.

I just want to go to Walla Walla, WA. That town is adorable. I'd get to meet Lance's new friends (he has such funny friends!) and we'd go see the Irish Haran Dancers or some other cultural event. We'd cook up a feast and eat delicious food, before or after a really fantastic adventure. Probably after, or else I wouldn't be able to move.

I just want to go to Scottsdale, AZ. Ethan is probably so big now! I'd see if I could get him to say my name. "Aunt Genevieve! Can you say that?" I'd use the oven to make something delicious for the girls dorm, and would once again feel the conditional outpouring of love that was nevertheless gratifying. I'd pick grapefruit from the tree and go tanning in the winter. Kristy and I would sit in the office when the girls had all gone to sleep, and we'd sit with our tea or coffee and talk about things going on.

I just want to go to Collegedale, TN. Kristy and I would talk until we couldn't stay awake, and she'd drag me around doing active fun things so that she wouldn't feel like a terrible hostess! Katie might take me on a hike, hopefully back to the place with the talking trees because there was a spinny thing on the playground. Lance's aunt & uncle & cousins are there too, so maybe I'd stop by and thank them for always taking me in whenever I hitch a ride with Lance.

...

It's not that I don't love my family. I love them, I love this house. I love how I can climb onto the roof and watch the sunrise when I have insomnia, I love how we have four animals and they all love me, I love that I don't have to worry about ceiling rats or cockroaches.

But I don't want to feel trapped here.

But I do.

Because most of the time, it feels like I am the most responsible person is this house. My parents would probably get so angry if they saw that! They'd rage about how they pay the bills and yadda yadda, but I won't go into that or I'll get angry too. That thought, the one where I'm so responsible, it's just... Why can't Allison be responsible too? Why is she literally getting handed these jobs, where she's working more and getting paid more? Why do her friends all live within 10 minutes of where we live, and why are they always so happy to not only drive her around without demanding gas money, but also pay for her? And she doesn't feel guilty about it?

Why does she still manage to think that her life is so hard?

I get that my life isn't that hard. I have to tell myself every other day that I could have it so much worse, or that if I tried harder then things wouldn't have worked out like this and if I try harder now then they can be better. I really understand that. Sometimes I just wish I could forget that, and just wallow in self pity. Which is kinda what I'm doing now.

Tomorrow I'm going to regret this, because it's childish and selfish and stupid.

But right now, I'm tired and angry and I can't forget that while I was driving home from work tonight, my mom tried to convince me that it would've been better for me to get that seasonal job with Allison, since it pays so much. She asked me if I had looked around for any places that are hiring third shift workers, or if I'd talked to my bosses about getting more hours. Then she just checked to make sure that I was making minimum wage and not two dollars more than minimum wage, which is what I could've been making if I had gotten that seasonal job.
I GET IT, OKAY?

Wow, I'm sorry, I'm already regretting this.

Dinner With A Gypsy

2011-11-29T23:40:00.005-05:00

So I'm actually not that keen on most any sort of music with screaming in it, but...
this song...
is okay?

I really just love the lyrics.
In fact, here, read them really fast [before/whilst listening]?
(haha, the lyrics are also in the video description, whatever!)

(anyways, here's the song! I'm going to go listen to some more of their music, maybe I'll like the rest of it too!)

_LATER:wow i just really love all of their lyrics and the music is pretty good okay going to go get their albums from the library now

dejalo

2011-11-25T01:44:00.003-05:00

I'm about to go to bed, I just forgot to mention that Michael was part of a production of Hamlet put on by an acting troupe called Pan Pan (I think?) and they are from Ireland and they have accents and they are gorgeous. Except it was artsy & strange & avant-garde? I won't try to explain it, because it was all amazing and slightly mind-blowing, but there was this part where the people ask one of the actors to show off his sword-fighting skills, and he was like, "Yeah, sure!" and he & this other actor go get their swords & put on sound-muffling head things. You know, that they wear at shooting ranges? We were all a bit confused, but then they started fighting and his opponent was going crazy flailing around (very funny) and then this guy pulls a gun from behind his back and shoots him. Like, I saw him pick up the gun and thought, "This is a very small space. I bet that it's a water gun or something, and they'll have some sort of sound effect that will be played. I wonder what the sound effect will be?" and then he shoots the gun and I jump a foot in the air because it was an actual gun loaded with blanks and there were cartridge things and everything and it was DEAFENING because like I said, very small space that we were in, and then he stepped forward & shot twice more and it was still really loud and everyone in the audience was just sitting like "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHAT?"

anyways.

It was an awesome play.

In other news, I'm still really tired and there are a lot of things on my mind and my dreams are going to be SO WEIRD TONIGHT, let me tell you. If I can remember them, that it. I'm going to sleep all day tomorrow. Yes, good plan.

ALSO
ALSO

if I don't already have your address, give it to me because I am going to find everyone's addresses and start sending letters again because it is something that I miss.

happy birthday Michael

2011-11-18T00:43:00.003-05:00

Turns out the froyo place is only going to be able to give me two days a week, and my boss lady is kinda... Well. I've only worked with her twice, but I don't know. She doesn't seem like someone I could be friendly with? If that makes sense. I don't want to say anything bad about her because I don't know her very well, but she said a few things that just made me question her thought processes.

ANYWAYS.

My younger sister has a job again, and we're pretty sure that she won't get fired from this one because they're paying around $9 an hour and that's a lot, considering that she'll be working 40 hours a week (four 10 hour shifts) (all of those hours... folding clothes) (except breaks).

This was also supposed to be a post about feelings, but I think I'll just avoid that entirely because I haven't really decided how I want to go about all this. This stuff.

So I left my sketchbook in Tennessee last month? Two months ago? It seems like forever, because I haven't had my sketchbook and I swear that thing is like a horcrux, it is a piece of my soul.
And I finally got it back the other day!
Yay!
Like really, I'm getting warm fuzzies just thinking of it.
I love my sketchbooks.

Also-
I made chess pie today from this recipe, which is actually not good because I am kinda stupid sometimes when it comes to baking and this recipe only gave me the ingredients, oven temp, and amount of time it takes to bake! I mean, okay, those are all important things that I'd love to know, but I failed at getting the crust in the pan, I'm thinking I probably needed to chill it? Anyways. It still turned out pretty good, not as moist as I thought it'd be so I'll do something different with it next time, but still pretty tasty.

Next time I bake I'm going to try smores cookies and/ or apple pie cookies.
SO DELICIOUS LOOKING, OM NOM NOM.

Okay, that's all, I'll talk about music and my sketchbook some more next time. Maybe. I don't know, whatever, I really need to sleep.

PS I love my little brother.

VICTORY YESSSSSSSSSS

2011-11-09T17:31:00.002-05:00

The major concern that has been monopolizing my thoughts recently has been a disquieting lack of money. I have a part time job already, but I really needed another job so that I could start putting money away and NOW I HAVE ONE YES.
I went out with some friends yesterday, and we stopped by a frozen yogurt place nearby and there was a sign saying that they were hiring, so I asked for an application and it turns out that both of the owners were there (husband & wife team, adorable!) and so I filled out the application while we were eating. They interviewed me there in the restaurant not long after I gave them the application, and today they called me back and told me that I could start training as soon as I was available! Which is Friday morning! YES YES YES YES, my brain is just a riot of relief and YES.

I actually doodled this as we worked out a tentative training schedule. Hehehe.

This job won't solve all my problems, but it's a step in the right direction.

hahaaaa... ha.

2011-11-07T02:15:00.000-05:00

I just really thought about it, and one of the things I miss most about working in Arizona is... Ethan! My boss/friend's baby! Oh gosh, he is just the cutest thing. I would spend time in the office even when I wasn't working, so that I could play with him. Making him laugh was a favorite pastime of mine. It was just so uplifting!
When I first arrived in August, he was about a month old. I remember when he started being able to focus on things, and following people with his eyes, and reacting to things! The first time I heard him laugh, I remembered that line that faeries were made from a baby's laugh. Something like that, right? Well, it was just like that.
And when she brought him to Ohio for his birthday, to see his grandparents, he recognized me! I was sitting a few pews behind them, and I waved to him, and he smiled! So adorable. Oh, I miss him so much! I miss his mother too, of course. She was my only friend there, which is partially due to my crippling social anxiety when it comes to things like that, but still.

I just had to get that out of my system.
Gosh, babies are cute.

Oh, also! Good news!

MY OLDER SISTER IS PREGNANT!
AAHHH!

I had a dream that she had a gorgeous baby girl, and she was so adorable that the faeries came and left a changeling boy in her place. Everyone thought it was a miracle of science, but I knew better! I woke up thinking of every old wives' tale to prevent faeries from stealing babies. The sad part of that is that I know quite a few. What can I say, my family really likes folklore...

smile! OR ELSE

2011-10-31T23:57:00.007-04:00

Normally I have some pretty great dreams, but lately I've been having really bad ones and they tend to follow me around all day afterwards.
Like last night I had a dream that I was working undercover as the assistant to this psycho sadistic lady who kidnaps people and makes them her slaves, and my team & I were caught (which was horrible in and of itself). Then I managed to escape after one of her "visits" to the place where she kept us, and I hitchhiked to the closest town (we were in Mexico?) and prepared as much as I could to go back and free everyone else. So I go back, get in, and I've opened the door & I'm about to go out & she's standing there, waiting for me! And to get back at me she starts mentally torturing this other girl I don't even know, and it's just awful, so I start begging and crying and making up perfectly reasonable excuses as to why I left, such as "I was just so hungry, I needed food, I needed to see trees and talk to people who aren't mentally broken" etc. etc. and so on. I was one of her "favorites", so she started to believe me a little and I wrapped myself around the crying girl and started rocking her, saying "It's alright, she won't hurt you anymore, I'm here, I'll protect you, it's alright, sshhhhh," and I was crying because I was still begging psycho lady to "Stop, please stop, don't hurt her because of me, please stop!"

I woke up almost crying.

SO THEN I DREW THIS.
Because I need to not have bad dreams anymore.

(sadstuck fanart)

2011-10-28T15:12:00.003-04:00

I just have this headcanon that Aradia makes a few rounds among the dream bubbles and sort of... Comforts the other trolls? Except she doesn't really say things like, "It'll be alright," or anything like that, but she'll be very honest and maybe just say things like "What's done is done, there's nothing we can do to change it now, might as well let go." Or something like this scene.
Vriska just gives me so many feelings.

PS, I LIED, I HAVEN'T DRAWN A SINGLE HAND, FIGHT ME.

nada nada, limonada

2011-10-21T13:12:00.002-04:00

As a general rule, I learn basic rules and information quickly. How to bake cookies, or work the register, the names of most of the bones in the human body. But really, I'm just good at memorizing things. When it comes down to things like, "Genevieve, how do you feel about this sudden development of complicated events happening?" I just sort of throw my mental hands in the air (sometimes my physical hands too). Really, I am like molasses in that respect.
There's really no point in me blogging about this, since I'm pretty sure my friends were aware of this before I was, except that I'm really frustrated with what's going on in my life right now and I don't really want to talk about it because I still have no idea what's going on because it's taking me forever to pick things apart thoroughly and figure everything out.

SO HAVE A PAGE OF THUMBNAIL SKETCHES.

I'm actually kinda proud of these? Because I've decided to take everything that I'm not good at, art-wise, and then focus on it until I am at a semi-passable skill level. Next up is hands.

(new mantra)

2011-10-05T00:46:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I have this thing where I get songs stuck in my head. That's normal. But without fail, the songs somehow reflect what's going on- how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, the situation that I'm in, etc. I don't even realize what I'm thinking/ feeling until the song pops into my head, sometimes. It's uncanny, and I feel as if my subconscious has started to communicate via music and lyrics.
Which is funny now that I think about the dream I had a month or so ago, where I was singing "Dancing Queen". Hahaha!
But that's slightly different.

ANYWAYS.

I really love this song, and it's been stuck in my head since I heard it the other day.

Also, I feel a little guilty? because I haven't uploaded any sketches for a while, and I really want to do it just for myself but my sketchbook got left behind in GA/TN and our scanner isn't working so I am left with a small collection of old things I never posted.

This sketch, as you may be able to see, is dated from the 1st of April. I was yearning for winter and snow after months of Southwest living, but... Yeah. I settled for a cute doodle.

Disenchanted (skip if you don't like politics?)

2011-10-03T18:20:00.005-04:00

Just...
It's so difficult to even form sentences and paragraphs into a coherent manner.
I'm sick of listening to my parents' ignorance. When you rely on your news from one source, how biased do you think your information is going to be? Just the simple way that a sentence is put together, switching words around, etc., can achieve a unique effect.
The other day we were all peacefully sitting in the living room, reading our own things and listening to our own music, when my father laughs and says, "Listen to this!" and proceeds to say something about the stupid hippies getting arrested. I don't remember his exact words, but it was something along those lines. I stopped. Surely he couldn't be talking about the Occupy Wall Street movement, I thought. I asked him to be sure, and he said that he did, in fact, mean just that. He then went on in such a manner, paraphrasing from the article that he was reading from. "NO. STOP," was all I could think to say, in one of my rare moments of brilliant word-planning.
We then proceeded to have an argument, during which he made it very clear that he had no idea what he was talking about. I'm not saying that I know everything there is to know about Occupy Wall Street, but I knew a sight more than he did. I walked away after I began to resort to screaming, waited until I thought he had forgotten about it, and came back to my book. He tried to bring it up again, I tried to ignore him, he kept going, I started yelling again, and then I walked away again.
I could hear him watching the video that shows the female protestors getting penned up and pepper sprayed. At the end he was silent for a moment before saying, "Well they obviously deserved it."
...
WHAT.
WHAT?!

I just can't look at him without being consumed with frustration at this point.
He hasn't brought it up since then, which I'm grateful for, but at the same time I have no idea if he's actually given any real thought to what's happening here. It's important to me that my family, at least, has some idea about what's going on here. Normally I'm not very interested in politics or anything to do with them, but I care about this.
I also have no idea how to channel this sudden burst of caring about what's going on.

Augh.

I don't even know.

a personal account from one of the protestors
Occupy Wall St website
CNN article
MetroFocus articles
ABC article
The Atlantic article (this one has some good pictures)
The articles that I read on the Fox site are confusing to me, but you can look at them if you'd like. One of them was more concerned about "left" or "right", which is stupid, and a few of them were just assuming things without much of a basis at all.

wonderful disasters

2011-09-26T19:36:00.003-04:00

I'm starting to notice a trend when I try out a recipe that's new to me. The first time I make the food, it's pretty delicious. The dish itself may not look the best, but all qualms disappear once I take my first bite.
Then I try it again.
This is where things go wrong.
But it's okay! Because I know exactly why they go wrong.

Here's what happens-
I make something, using the recipe. The food comes out okay, but I decide to experiment the next time through. The most recent examples of this equation in action would be the lentil stew and strawberry cupcakes recipes that I tried out. For the cupcakes, I decided to mix recipes- one using box mix, and the other from scratch. Didn't work as well as I'd hoped. For the lentil stew I decided to semi-cook the lentils ahead of time, since the last time I made it the cook time was around five hours due to the lentils. That wasn't a great idea either. Then I added chick peas, except they needed to be soaked/ cooked longer, and now they're the ones holding up the party that should be in my mouth.

Does any of this mean that I'm going to stop changing things up, stop experimenting?

NOPE.

In my humble opinion, that's kind of what this is all about.
Everything.
Those cliche sayings are cliche for a reason. I'm not going to list them all, there are so many and I honestly have no desire to beat any dead horses.
But... "Failure is just another form of success."
Someone said that, right?
It's not true at all in some cases, but let's argue that failure is a way of helping us learn how to succeed. Next time I make lentil stew, I'll probably just soak the lentils overnight like I did the first time. And I'll get canned chickpeas instead of dried ones. That probably had something to do with it.

I guess the point of this post is just to remind myself not to give up.

Also, to share the lentil stew recipe because it is THE BEST THING EVER. Really.
I essentially took this recipe and just changed a few things up. Mostly it was the spices, because I'm a big fan of just overdosing on spices, but I also added real garlic. Really, my rule for recipes is to just do what I want to make it how I think I want it to taste. I used more cumin, turmeric, curry powder, dried chili pepper flakes, and ground hot pepper. Also two bay leaves, but those need to be taken out before serving. maybe a few other things I'm forgetting, but the point of all this was to point out that you can tailor a recipe to fit your preferences.

ANYWAYS.

Good luck, friends! I hope you succeed in whatever it is that you're trying to accomplish, and the only failures you experience are minor and not at all life-altering, with maybe a dash of life lesson thrown in for good measure.

mIrAcLeS

2011-09-20T02:25:00.003-04:00

So here's the story. Lance's sister goes to a college in TN, where a few of my friends happen to go, so I asked if I could hitch along and it was a go go go. This was like, a month in advance, which NEVER happens and I could hardly contain myself. That probably explains why I can't plan ahead very well. Anyways. THEN Lance's car starts having problems. Kinda iffy there for a second, but his uncle offers assistance so we're good. Then the money that his uncle was going to lend is spent on his uncle being in the hospital. Last I heard he has diabetes, they're doing more tests to figure out what went down with the TIAs and it was all very stressful and tragic and unforeseeable. Also, lack of money meant we weren't going. This happened the day before we were supposed to leave.
Then Sami, a friend of ours, offered to pay half the trip money and I extended the offer to Lance and we hammered it all out within half an hour. We were a day behind schedule, but business was going as planned.
We left at an ungodly hour of morning, and had adventures as soon as we landed. Actually, they were very chill adventures. Hiking in the forest, sharing the joy of froyo, sleeping, and just hanging out.

Life is good, and I'm back home feeling like it was worth every moment of wondering how much longer I could keep my eyes open.
I shouldn't be awake right now, but...

I HAVE TO POST THIS VIDEO EVERYWHERE, OKAY?
Why have I never heard this before?

Anyways.

That's all.

PS to Nutmeg-
I'm no longer afraid of riding the bus, and Allison has a job, and those thoughts ARE CONNECTED FIGURE IT OUT SOON I WILL BE COMING SSSOOOOOOO-OOOONNNNN
(that just looks like a really long "son" but it's actually "soon" you knew that goodnight)
(also by soon I meant not soon at all, but much sooner than it would have been which would have been unknowable because life is rough)

Music inspired colorful dancer

2011-09-16T10:03:00.002-04:00

Got bored. Decided to look at color palettes. Started listening to the Monsoon Wedding soundtrack. Drew this, except I put her in a salwar kameez.
Realize now that it looks as if her body has been disconnected somewhere in the middle.

(quick update!)

2011-09-12T22:47:00.003-04:00

Jhio, you were right! It was easy, and simple, and really I was just worried about nothing. It's like riding the bus to school when you're a kid, except not. Also I think the COTA buses are nicer. And it was actually kinda fun, because I'm a people watcher and I heard some really funny stories and saw some adorable little kids, which brightened my day.

The interview, on the other hand...
Well I mean, the interview itself went well. I have previous experience working in a food environment, and the only thing I'd really need trained on would be the coffee machines.
It's just...
They would be hiring me to work third shift, from 10 pm to 6 am. I would be alone in the shop, presumably without a security guard or whatever like they have in hospitals and some hotels. Not only that, but the Short North has a high crime rate already, then add in the amount of bars & clubs in the area... Then there are a couple of churches nearby that hand out free meals to the homeless, which is great, but it means that there's a higher concentration near the store.
So yeah, that's a little scary.

At the same time, why would they even consider allowing a pretty female to work alone at night if they weren't at least mostly sure that she'd be alright? How worried should I be, exactly?

Now I'm just tired, and I have to get up relatively early tomorrow.
Ugh.

(bird, and also pre-bus anxiety)

2011-09-12T00:07:00.002-04:00

So the only thing I really like about this is the background, because I feel a little clever about it. I had some lightning brushes from a while back, and I set it so that the eraser was lightning and put it on low opacity & just clicked away. I was trying to re-create a sketch from my sketch-journal-book-thing, but... Yeah.

Anyways! Job interview tomorrow. I'm going to take the bus there, and it's going to be my first time ever riding the bus. Which of course makes me feel scared, which then makes me feel like a pansy because I know that people ride the bus all the time but STILL. What if I miss my stop? What if I don't have the right amount of money for fare and get stranded? What if I'm too late for a bus stop and get stranded? Basically I'm worried about getting stranded and lost and all the other horrible things that could happen. AAAHHHH I should probably go plan this out step by step.

color test?

2011-09-09T01:22:00.005-04:00

Is semi-accurate, possibly?

I was surprised because I wasn't really expecting any sort of accuracy. None at all. And then I look at the results and they say things like, "Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. she is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome her lack of energy and may become irritable if she does not recover." I mean, there's a whole lot more than that, but whatever.

So it wasn't like one of those WOW YOU TRULY HAVE PEERED INTO MY SOUL AND KNOW ME things, because I don't really believe that a simple test can totally analyze anyone, but it was still interesting.

Wow and I just took it again except I said I was male and now it's got even more info on me. "Seeking to broaden his horizons and believes [her] his hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries [she] he may not be able to do the things [she] he wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore [her] his confidence", and also "Finds [herself, whatever, you get the point of these stupid things] himself too trusting and needs protection from this because he feels people will take advantage or misunderstand him. He hides his true feelings by being highly critical and distant."

Ergh. It's late and I'm tired and I'm questioning my decision to type all this now. ANYWAYS.

Dear Homestuckers (mostly Meg & Sab)-
Have you guys seen that site that generates a "Land of" thing? It's actually kind of addicting. You just click on the spiral thing once & it stops on a random assortment of whatevers. I'm addicted to the awesome visuals my brain comes up with when I see the "Land of" titles. For instance! Land of: apathy and autumn, frost and coral, gold and melody, ice and shade, magma and rainbows, scales and mist, steam and junk (hehe, steampunk land!). Someday I'm going to learn how to draw landscapes, and I'm just going to go through all of the ones that I have saved and PAINT THEM ALL.
But anyways, here's the link.
Oh my gosh, now I'm doing it again and it just keeps giving me awesome stuff. I'm also doing a horrible job describing it, so here's a screen capture I took-

Okay for reals, I'm going to do heavy labor tomorrow so I should probably be well rested this was not a good idea I'm going to bed IT TOOK SO LONG TO TYPE THAT BECAUSE I KEPT LEAVING OUT WORDS AUGH.

new music...

2011-08-29T00:11:00.003-04:00

I LOVE NEW MUSIC.
SO FEED ME.

I actually just heard that Party Rock song, I feel super behind the times here. And I only heard it because of the Homestuck fandom. Hehehe...
What I've been doing to find stuff I haven't heard is going to the library and looking at the CDs they have, and just picking stuff up with interesting album art and song titles. It's worked so far!

Also, this band. I am in love with them.
I'm not sure that it actually says the band name, but it's Tally Hall. In case you were interested.

(as of recently)

2011-08-23T15:04:00.004-04:00

(Striders gonna ~~stride~~ beast.)

(I really have no intentions of finishing this. Just like everything else.)

My life has become Homestuck. Sadly, only my younger brother is around to share all that with, so... bummer about being nerdy?

Hehehe, the sketches are totally unrelated, but they're funny when you put them together as a story.

In real life news, my brain hurts. Life is tough.

Pennsic pictures, part one

2011-08-19T15:54:00.007-04:00

SO MANY FEELINGS.

2011-08-18T13:34:00.003-04:00

laskgrjhaldsufhgbkdskfoyetwiuyfklhdsvbjk, etc. On and on with the keyboard mashing, that is how my brain looks.
Not entirely in a bad way?
I mean, feelings. I have lots of them.

This isn't making any sense.

Um, let's see. Pennsic was great. I worked, chilled out, adventured, met some new people and just had fun in general.

I have quite a few pictures, but this one is in my top ten. Mostly just for the sign that says "St of Dreams". There was a street called "Good Intentions"! It's not in this picture, sadly, but I saw it! My friend and I were walking back to camp from a party, and I kinda got too excited when I saw it. "MELANIE LOOK THAT STREET IS CALLED GOOD INTENTIONS, OH MY GOSH MELANIE THAT'S HILARIOUS! HAHAHAAA GOOD INTENTIONS!" And she just sort of giggled to humor me. There was this group of people sitting around a campfire nearby and one of them said, "Yes, and this street is called Runestone Highway," and it was funny because the person said it in this tone of voice as if I were retarded and deaf and entirely out of my mind. Which I wasn't. Actually, it was a little annoying, but I kinda left myself open for that one, so it's also amusing.
ANYWAYS.
There was a Tardis leading into one of the camps, and partial pirate ships and sunken castles, and yes. Everything was fantastic.
I find it so hard to describe Pennsic in a way that seems satisfactory to me, unless I can spend about half an hour just rambling on. Maybe an hour. So I'm just going to stop now.

(maybe I'll post some more videos and pictures later)

SO.

Other than that...

I possibly have the best brother EVER.

So I have this sort of emotion/ venting journal thing, and I kinda said that I wouldn't be angry if he read it, but he said that he didn't really want to but then I left it laying around. And laying around. And it just kinda sat on my floor for a while, until I finally had some idea of how I was going to properly illustrate my feelings about something, and then I opened it and a note fell out.
It was glorious.
Maybe it's strange that I'm not upset in any way that he read it, and then gave me feedback on it, except it wasn't really feedback so much as it was... Well. This is where I might lose some people. It was a note from a character in Homestuck. From Karkat, specifically.
It was written in pesterlog format- it started out saying "CG started trolling ?? at 9:38 pm", and then it was Karkat. "HEY. HEY HUMAN." and it went on from there, saying that I shouldn't feel bad because he (Karkat) has it so much worse. Except it was really sweet and just spot on, like if Karkat were trying to cheer me up it would look something like that. And then it ends with "LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. AT LEAST YOU AREN'T ME." and it was just perfect.
I ran downstairs and gave him hugs and kisses and told him that I owed him forever, and he looked very embarassed and said something about "just trying to be a good brother," and it's something like this-
Good sibling, best brother.
Aaah, just thinking about it makes me warm and fuzzy.

Other than that...
I worked last night and I'll work again tonight and I'll probably work for a few nights in a row, and the next time I see my boss I'm going to talk to him about taking up his offer. You see, Eagles has some sort of business connection with Resch's Bakery, and he said that he could try to hook me up with a job there. I mean, I'd be happy just sweeping floors there or whatever, I'd probably get paid the same (yay minumum wage!), but at least I'd be in a bakery environment and it'd be cool to sort of get a feel for things.
So, yes.

Welp, can't think of much else to update this blog thing about. Pictures to come (a few of them have disappeared), soooo...
Ciao?

wish me luck!

2011-07-29T23:00:00.003-04:00

Leaving for Pennsic tomorrow.

Yay!

I have a lot of feelings, and hopefully there will be way more pictures than feelings by the time I get back.

It's the four hour car ride with my family that I'm most worried about. Especially since my brother loves techno/ electronic/ whatever, and my father... doesn't. He feels quite strongly against it, in fact. It's a big deal.

Anyways, that's all.

(dream story)

2011-07-25T00:01:00.003-04:00

(This is a dream I had the other night. It was just so interesting, I wanted to put it up somewhere where I could definitely never lose it.)

We (Allison, Michael, and I) never met our father's father. He disappeared when I was too young to remember him, and before they were born. The story is that he was with a group of people, enjoying the outdoors, when he wandered away from the group and was never heard from again. This fact has always been hard on father. Can you imagine having to repeatedly crush a hope that your father is alive, convincing yourself that he's dead? It would be easier if he knew for sure what happened to him. Not to mention just missing him; not being able to ask him for parenting advice, for support when he needs it, for a parent's love. It was always hard for him, but it's been getting worse recently. The nagging weight of sadness has been getting to him, and he's been taking out his frustration on the people around him. He's been getting less patient, more prone to shouting and violence, less reasonable. It's gotten so bad that we (his children) are brainstorming what we could possibly do to help. Finally, we decide to go searching for our grandfather.
We start in the field where he was last seen, now called "Grandfather's Field" just for that reason. The searching goes on in secret- we don't know how our father would react if he knew what we were up to. He figures it out anyways- he smells it on us. "Does that smell familiar to you?" he asks our mother. "Doesn't it smell like... Grandfather's Field?" At which point, they (our parents) come after us. After catching up, they decide to join us. We form a line, and fan out to cover a wider area. I'm on the very end of the left wing, with Michael to my right. Michael stops in the midst of some trees, listening to the wind. "I'm going to ask our ancestors for help," he says to me. When the wind dies down, he whispers, "Where is my father's father?" Almost immediately, the wind starts back up. They've answered him! He starts to walk quickly, almost jogging, in some direction. Allison and I follow him without saying anything, and our parents loudly protest and ask us what's going on. We don't answer them, only continuing to follow Michael as quickly as we can.
We walk for an unknown amount of time- dream time works differently. Long enough for our parents to get tired and antsy. They're talking loudly behind me, complaining and asking annoying questions. "Shush!" I have to tell them, over and over; I'm afraid that I might miss something, or that Michael won't be able to hear the directions.
Finally he scrambles up a sort of hill-mountain-cliff. The ground is red sand and stone, and the plants are shriveled and spiny- we must be going up a desert mesa. It's a little difficult to get up, but I manage without having to hurt my hand grabbing for a spiny plant jutting out of the side of the hill-cliff. My parents are having more difficulty, and are falling behind. I make it up, and see Michael running, almost there. "There" being a large rock a little ways off to the side, shaped like a large easy chair. "Grandfather!" I shout, removing a branch from the chair-rock, "We've found you!" Beneath the branch are his bones, still in a sitting position after all this time. His skull is still wearing his reading glasses, and there are tatters of an old newspaper on his lap. We are sad to see his skeleton, but glad to know that now our father has a grave to visit and put flowers on and talk over, when he needs to. It's a bitter light feeling of victory. We are standing looking at our grandfather's bones, waiting for our father to catch up, and

I wake up.

That's the end of the dream.

(In real life, not dream-story life, this is partially true. My dad's parents died before I was five, but not like this.)

UUUUGH.

2011-07-20T15:37:00.005-04:00

I forget what was making me upset earlier today, but it happened.
Maybe it was how my car needs work, or how I'm not sure if I'll have to pay more for college because I may not technically be an Ohio resident, or that I need to sew about seven more outfits for Pennsic...
But I actually have a feeling that it was something much less significant. Which is probably why I've forgotten it.
And now I feel perfectly fine.

In other news...

My life is kind of stagnant.
It feels that way, at least.
Hopefully, going to Pennsic will clear up my head a bit.
And if it doesn't, I'm going on a roadtrip.

sleeping

2011-07-16T03:36:00.003-04:00

I love sleeping. It really is one of my favorite things to do, besides having adventures and eating. I was having a conversation with someone about this the other day, and I can't remember exactly what they said but the general gist is that they couldn't understand why I love sleeping so much. To them, sleeping was just a waste of time in which you could be accomplishing things, getting stuff done, all that jazz. The thing is, I couldn't really argue with that. Yeah, it's true- you can't really bake cookies or clean the house while you're sleeping. Unless you're a sleepwalker, but I'm pretty sure that they can't control that so anyways. The point is, I had to figure out- what is so awesome about sleeping? I mean, besides giving your mind & body a chance to recharge so that you don't go crazy and/or collapse.
Dreaming.
Dreams are what makes it all worth it, for me.
I've always been fascinated by them. The whole "reflection of the subconscious" thing, plus... It's just a great escape. I can understand how some people could disagree with me here. People who can't really remember their dreams, or have nightmares more often than not, or something along those lines.
When I was a kid, I had night terrors. It was a long time ago, but I can still remember how it felt- waking up with my face pressed between the boards that kept me from falling off the loft bed, clawing at the air with tears running down my face, screaming at the top of my lungs because I was so scared. No more night terrors, thank God.
Now, I just have dreams. Nightmares come every now and then, but they're few enough that I don't really worry about it. And my dreams are so much fun! That's really the best way I can think of saying it. Fun fun fun.
I've fallen in love with Death, and a Djinn. I've flown, a few times- those are my favorite ones. Apparently this is a little unusual, but often I dream that I'm somebody else- I've been male, I've been a wolf or a witch or just some other girl. Once I dreamt, in a rather symbolic manner, of the second coming of Christ (I woke up laughing because my chest couldn't contain how amazingly happy I was). I've been so many wonderful places, seen and done so much- I just love dreaming.
So, that is why I love sleep so much.
And THAT IS WHY IT BOTHERS ME WHEN MY FRIENDS OR MYSELF SUFFER FROM INSOMNIA.
It's just one of the worst things. Not only are you being drained, but you're missing out on so many possibilities!

So I guess the point of this post is...
If you're having trouble sleeping, try this-

warm milk
chamomile tea
soothing bath (lavender & mint scents are soothing)
don't nap during the day
exercise during the day, but not before sleeping
relax- don't think about things that stress you

and that's all I got.

GOODNIGHT!

PS- CONGRATS TO MEG & SAB! One day I will visit you and then we will celebrate!
Also, AAAHHHHH HARRY POTTER! Those are my feelings on the matter, as well as this face- ;_;

release

2011-07-13T00:01:00.005-04:00

This song was stuck in my head for two days. I remembered the movie that I heard it in, I knew the name of the singer, but I could not find the song on my computer. It was so aggravating! I was on the verge of throwing a tantrum, all because I couldn't find this song. And then I used my powers to search it up on google, and everything went uphill from there.
Life is like that sometimes.

While I was in Arizona, it rained maybe... Three times? Four? In ten months. Not very often, to say the least. And I think only two of those times it was slightly stormy, though neither of them had any lightning & thunder.
I missed storms.
The other day when a big storm came, someone had left the patio umbrella open and the wind had carried it halfway out into the yard before I'd noticed. I had to run outside and untangle it, close it, then drag it back onto the deck. Needless to say, I was drenched. When I was done, I stood inside the doorway and yelled for my brother until he brought towels. There was a puddle underneath my feet. It was glorious. Wonderful! I love that feeling.

Both of those, the song and the storm, are like release. Letting out a little pressure, so that I don't blow up. Along with baking, exercising, writing, and drawing... I'd say if I excelled at anything, it would be not blowing up or caving in. I think that's a pretty good thing.

So it's times like these, when it's the end of a long shift and three out of four tables didn't leave tips and the ones that did leave a tip left crappy ones... I just have to remember that it's the little things that brighten my day. Seeing the kittens playing, hearing a new song I like, playing in the rain- stuff like that.

I'm feeling better already. ♥

fencing sketch

2011-07-11T00:52:00.002-04:00

The actual sketch is super-small, like... A little larger than a quarter? But anyways.
Now it looks as if the heart is being stabbed, but that's not really the case.

AHA (but not really.)

2011-07-10T01:22:00.005-04:00

So I had a conversation with my friend Amy quite some time ago about soulmates. I told her that I didn't believe in them, and she explained that she did. It made me feel a bit jaded, to be honest, but...
Recently I had a similar conversation with DJ, and it got me thinking again.

I believe in soulfriends. That's what I call them, at least. It's like I'll look at someone and just know that we could be friends, like they're kindred spirits or something. There's really no good way to explain how I can tell... It's like, if I was one of those people who could see auras, they'd be glowing. And then added onto that, there's this faint buzzing around them like we're both tuning forks on the same frequency. That's actually a good one- tuning forks! Same wavelength! Some people haven't experienced this, but it happens often enough to me. "Often enough" meaning that all of my close friends are soulfriends, and the rest of my friends are potential soulfriends.

The point of that was to say-
If I believe in soulfriends, what's the big jump to soulmates?
And that's when I started to think this:

Mostly what I dislike about the whole "soulmate" idea is that there's only ONE person out there made just for you. Which is horrible, really, because there's always room for doubt. Yeah, you love this person, but what if your true soulmate is still out there? You know? It just doesn't make sense to me. So that's where they connect. A soulmate is just a step above a soulfriend, in my book. Or they're a different category of soulfriend. Whatever.

Of course, this is still a theory, but you get it, right?
Ugh, I don't know.

ANYWAYS.

I need to get in shape.
Also, I need another job. And I need to get my license, apply for culinary school, pack for Pennsic, clean the house...
In short, I need to get off my butt and start being a responsible adult again.

ALSO ALSO
I love this picture.

TEARS.

2011-06-24T18:29:00.003-04:00

WHY DOES HOMESTUCK GET SO TRAGIC WITH THE TROLLS?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Caps lock cannot begin to encompass my feelings on this matter.

You should read Homestuck.

It starts a little slow, but then BAM
time travel, paradoxes, fighting, music, monsters, hilarity and tragedy! AND AWESOMENESS.

I just wanted to get this out of my system, kthxbai.

bluuuuuuhhhhhh

2011-06-23T13:20:00.002-04:00

Interesting note- my ability to draw fluid motion increases after I take zolpidem. Hm.
Anyways, these are just some sketches. I've decided that I need to draw more men, to get my sketchbook at least a bit more balanced than it is.

In life news...

Blugfrakthurklopwcd.
Ugh.

1) Having a job is great, but I'm not getting enough hours. I'm only working two shifts this week! I mean, I know that I'm a newbie and all that jazz, but still. So the job hunt resumes.
2) My family is killing me, in a number of (non-literal) ways. Except Michael- he is like an oasis of sanity and pleasant camaraderie. Thank God for my little brother.
3) I'm so tired. I'm not even doing anything, and that's the problem! I need to go out and do stuff, but... No car. This has been bothering me since I got home. I need a car! Need! Car! Ugh.
4) Every time I see a plane, my heart just aches. It's a mixture of, "Take me with you!" and something else.
4) Plus all the random "When did this happen?" moments that crop up.

other than that...

FEEL BETTER, JHIO.
I don't know what happened, but I want you to know that it'll be okay! Go watch a sunrise/ sunset or something.

also!

2011-06-15T12:39:00.002-04:00

This!

Last weekend, my father's family had a small reunion. My uncle was kind enough to give me this camera as a gift, after I asked him if he was going to sell it. 10 points of awesome for the generous uncle!

Joy and jubilation aside, I need to get it repaired. At some point in its previous life, the flash attachment had been glued on, and then broken off. Or vice versa. Argh! It's still a lovely camera, and I'm definitely going to get it fixed when I have the money.

More pictures! I made cupcakes, and they are the first step towards the most delicious cupcakes you will ever eat (EVER). And then there's a group picture of the kittens ♥ (love love love).

JOB!

2011-06-14T13:33:00.002-04:00

This is just the colored version of this sketch. There's not much else to say about this, except that I really love when eyes are two different colors.

Also, in case you hadn't seen on facebook, I HAVE A JOB.

It's very exciting.
The entire thing was very surreal, actually. The manager sat down to interview me after my pizza had come, and he was asking what I assume to be the usual things- do you live nearby, are you in college, have you had previous experience, etc. And then he said something along the lines of, "If you want the job, you can start Friday. Which means you'll technically need to start Thursday, to get training. Can you do that?" and my mind said, "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!". Then my actual voice said, "OK! Yes! I can do that!"
And then I had a job.

TADA!
Funny thing about it was that he said something about the fact that SO MANY people had been applying there, and it was strongly suggested that it was a huge favor to me that he was hiring me instantly after interviewing at least 15 people before me; and when he was explaining why he had decided to hire me so quickly, he mentioned that he could tell how "outgoing" I was. Once again, slight discrepancy between what I was thinking and what I actually said. My mind was saying, "HA! HAHAHA! REALLY? I think not." but then I just nodded and said, "Uh-huh," and let out what I can only describe as a nervous chuckle. I'm grateful either way, and I'm not going to argue with the person who is now my boss. I HAVE A BOSS! BECAUSE I HAVE A JOB!

Anyways.
That's about it.

BRING ME SUPPLIES.

2011-06-03T22:18:00.003-04:00

I NEED TO BAKE SOMETHING, STAT.

Also, here is a new character that showed up in my sketchbook during the school year. Her name is Zoe, and she tends to be doing something active in all of the sketches. This is probably due to the fact that I nearly always draw her when I'm stuck inside working (subbing classes usually) and am unable to go out and enjoy life. So I live vicariously through Zoe.

This sketch actually really bugs me now, simply because her face isn't right and I'm too lazy to scrap the entire head. Her face is supposed to be rounder/ chubbier, but c'est la vie. MOVING ON.

I'M BAAAAAAAAACK.

2011-06-02T23:45:00.002-04:00

Wow, I had forgotten how different Arizona is from Ohio. I looked out my window tody and was thinking, "Why is there so much GREEN?" And it's not that Arizona isn't green, really. There are cactus and agave and aloe and desert-type trees, but it's a different kind of green. All the colors look faded and worn out, like a sage-ish color. Bronzed-ish. There's a special word that I'm looking for, but I can't find it. Anyways.
There's a lot going on in my head right now, and it would be overwhelming if I took the time to actually face it head on. Lucky for me, I am good at not confronting my problems and excel at avoiding the issue. Whoo!

So we have KITTENS, and they need HOMES.
They are adorable and fluffy and if you have room for kittens & don't have allergies, then you should take one. Or all of them. There are only three. Their names are Valiant (Val), Honor (Honey), and Courage (Curry). I actually like Honor and Courage just for their matching food-based nicknames. Along with their blinding cuteness.

Alright, I'm going to go back to not doing anything.

[final-ish?] COUNTDOWN

2011-05-28T17:55:00.004-04:00

(It's not really the final countdown, Lord knows there will be plenty more, but it feels rather large anyways.)

(Also, ha! I wasn't expecting anyone to read the entire rant, but kudos to Jhio & everyone else who manages.)

This post is purely to say-

FIVE DAYS!

Here's a list of expected activites-

NUMBER ONE- SLEEPING.
(no order exists after number one.)

Cedar Point

Columbus Zoo

COSI

Garden of Roses/ Whetstone Park

Franklin Park Conservatory

see something at the Palace Theatre

Museum of Art

Ye Olde Mille

North Market

Basically all of High Street. Does that count? I'm making it count.

visiting Ayana in Cleveland

visiting Meg (& Sab!) in Hannibal

and apparently there's this Topiary Garden? Want to check that out. I always thought that topiaries were a bit creepy, but that's just me.

-And have my camera present wherever I go. Possibly the video camera? I feel like that would be a good idea, but I also feel semi creeper-ish. Who cares, I just need to figure out how I'm carrying all that.

Haha!

2011-05-25T21:35:00.004-04:00

This thought just popped into my head, and I'm warning you that I'm terrible at wording things without thinking about them for at least six months. So.

Some people are mostly sad. If it's clinical, it depression. If it's not, then it's just loneliness or sadness or boredom or longing or so on and so forth.
Other people are mostly happy. They're just blessed with the strength to keep on keeping on, or the fount of optimism, or they just don't care. Whatever.
Now here's my thought- I think that I usually fit into the "mostly happy" category, but have recently changed. I fit a new category, and it is this- "mostly angry".

Because that's what I've been feeling.

I mean, blaming it on hormones only works for so long before the headache sets in and I start to think to myself, "Lets weigh the cons of punching this kids against the pros." (true story)

Let's look at the past few days. I've been subbing classes, which hasn't been too hard because it's finals week and I just have to make sure they don't kill each other. On the other hand, it's draining because these kids make me furious. One class broke a chair, in another class I had to send a kid out of the classroom before a fist fight started, and in yet another class I nearly went into a screaming tirade after a student began a soliloquy about how "gay" it was that they had to even be in the class (so many words I didn't say. SO MANY. For instance- DO YOU THINK I ENJOY BEING HERE LISTENING TO YOUR SORRY ASS COMPLAINING? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU USE A SLUR LIKE THAT? But I didn't say that, I just ignored them and read Whitman and crocheted).
After subbing, I come back to the dorm. Yesterday I accidentally traumatized a student by killing a rat in front of her. I "didn't give her time to run", which is stupid because she had plenty of time to run and not be a witness but all she did for those few precious seconds after the rat was released was stand there and mumble about how sad it looks and try to think of words that would make me see that just setting it gently by the dumpster was the best course of action when CLEARLY it is a RAT and I don't know if I've mentioned this but I HATE RATS.
Anyways.
Today after getting back to the dorm, I cleaned. This always, without fail, puts me into a rage. The girls here just... Ugh. Hard to find words for it. They are disgusting. For instance- a week or two ago, Dean Kristy and I made cupcakes for them, and set out icing so they could ice their own cupcakes and all that jazz. I AM STILL FINDING WRAPPERS. And then they just leave their soda cans everywhere, whether they're full or not. And... just everything.

Then this new situation (DJ, told you about this) has just been huge on my mind. AUGH. I don't know how to summarize this, so I'll just rant.

BEGIN.

Here's the story.

I ask to borrow a student's laptop. She says okay, but she's acting weird when she says it. She puts her head down and looks guilty or sheepish or I don't know, I'm not exactly super at figuring it out. I ask her if she's going to use it, give her time to make an excuse for me not to use it, but she says it's okay again. So I just brush it off and start using it. The reason I asked to use it is because I had made a video for my friends and family near the beginning of the year, and they loved it, so I figured that I could make one again to tell them all how I excited I am to be coming back and all that jazz. I finish making the video, I load it on to youtube, and it's a minute away from finishing the upload when I get a text- "Ready to go!" This was a signal from my friend/ boss for me to hurry up and get my boxes in the car, so we could ship out the first fleet of packed stuff. Of course I have to leave the laptop there & get out, but I know that the girl isn't on campus anymore & isn't going to need it soon so I don't worry about it.

We get back from our errand, and I go immediately back to the laptop to find it locked. So I wait for the girl to get back, since she's not on campus. I wait, and I text her, and I wait, and I text her again, and I wait. Then I go to dinner, and I see her there! But I don't say anything to her, because I'm holding out a hope that she'll look at her phone and be reminded that I am waiting for her. No such luck, because I go back to the dorm and wait some more. I hear her laughing from down the hall, and decide to go see what's going on. She says that her phone died, which I think is a reasonable excuse not to have replied to me, but I have to leave before I get the chance to demand that she unlock the laptop (another student came in and it was clear that I wasn't wanted in the conversation). SO surprise surprise, I go back and wait some more. Then I text my boss/ friend, because I know that she'll answer. This is the exact conversation.

Me: Are you guys done now? I just need T--- to put in her password.
DK: Almost. For what?
Me: Her laptop. I started loading a video for my family before we left, & it locked while I was gone.
DK: :( Really shouldn't be using students computers. Plus T---'s mo doesn't want other people using it (that includes us)
Me: Wasn't aware of that. If it's any consolation, I can personally make sure that this is the last time I ask to use it.
DK: Yeah T--- feels bad telling you no because you're her dean.
Me: Sorry about that. As soon as she unlocks it, I can finish & stop making her feel guilty.
DK: No. She needs it back now. You'll see your family next week.

After which I asked where to put the laptop (after having a small conniption fit), and received no reply. So I put it in her room, to which she did not return until MUCH later leading me to believe that the whole "she needs it now" thing was obviously a lie.

I know I was a tad snippy, but please keep in mind the amount of waiting I had done, and how eager I was just to finish the video and wash my hands of that mess.

HERE'S WHAT PISSES ME OFF ABOUT THIS SCENARIO-

1) The fact that she couldn't say it to my face. Not only did she not say no when I gave her a chance, but after she said yes she had to go behind my back, TO MY BOSS, and manipulate the only adult I hang out with into wielding her power over me. I really appreciate when people are straight up with me, and I hate things like this. It smacks of cowardice and dishonesty.

2) Not only did she go crying behind my back, but I'm guessing she lied and manipulated my boss to do so. I get the feeling that she made me seem like the villain- like I constantly use my power to steal her laptop from her unwilling hands. The truth is that I while I do ask to use her laptop, it is not nearly as often as I ask to use other students', and she has had no problem in the past with making up some excuse to avoid telling me no (which I find annoying, but I put up with it). In all honesty, I can't have borrowed her laptop more than four times.

3) How much have I done for this girl, and she can't let me use her laptop to make a video for the people I love? How much? I have held her while she cries, I have fed her food that I bought with my own money and often enough I was unwilling to part with that food, but I did it anyways. I have made her tea when I didn't feel like it, cracked her back, listened to her ramble even though I don't care an ounce, so on and so forth. I even put up with her constant demands to buy my new beloved jean vest off of me (she's seriously spoiled, did I mention that?). So yes, I feel as if she owes me at least that.

4) This feels like one giant betrayal to me. This girl had been one of three that I had admitted to myself that I was getting personally invested in. I had told her stories that I hadn't told any of the other students, and I had confided in her. I don't confide in people easily, and I feel extremely cautious about it this year, with the students. But she just seemed so interested, and she would actually ask, which is really almost everything it takes to get me talking. And then she goes and does this.

4 & a half) Part of why this betrayal hurts so much is because this is coming right on the heels of losing the first almost-friend I had made here. I'm still pretty torn up about that, I'll admit, because I have no idea what the hell I did wrong to cause the situation. So, double whammy is no fun.

5) SHE IS A SPOILED, MANIPULATIVE LITTLE CHILD AND I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HER DIRECTLY AGAIN. End of story.

For the record-

When someone hurts me like this, there is no true forgiveness. I don't know if it's the Sicilian/ Italian thing, I don't know if it's just a personal trait, but it's how I work. I haven't forgotten the people who hurt me in first grade, and I will not forget this.

That being said, I feel slightly better.

Still pretty pissed though.

That last text will always put me in a rage. Without fail. I almost threw my phone across the room while I was typing it out.

END.

Okay, done for the night. I'm just drained.
EXCEPT
I watched Gnomeo & Juliet, and it was so cute! The original story by Shakespeare is actually one of my least favorites (I mean, it has good lines, but I just think that the kids are so stupid), and this was just adorable. They manage to kill people without making it really stupid! Yay!

So here's the plan thus far.

2011-05-18T14:31:00.004-04:00

1) Get a job.
2) Get into culinary school.
3) Move out of childhood home. ASAP.
4) Save up money to buy a car, laptop, new camera lens, etc.
5) Be a culinary school BEAST.
6) Graduate culinary school.
7) Get a job in England!
7 ½) While in Enlgand, meet Charlie. Don't make it awkward.
7 ¾) Also while in England, date awesome Englishman. Possibly Charlie.
8) At some point after that, open up cafe/ bakery/ teashop/ bookstore/ gallery.
9) Alia= resident artist.
10) Be amazing.

Must resist caps lock...

2011-05-11T16:02:00.003-04:00

...
I CAN'T.

GUYS I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THE [very distant and somewhat possible] FUTURE.

Aw man, but now I'm starting to second guess myself. Oh well, excited rant shall continue as planned.

So remember how I went into college resigned to become a chiropractor because it was practical? Yeah. And then when I got this job here and loved it, and thought, "Hey, I think it'd be great to be a teacher!" Ha! That went super. And now at the end of the year, after actually experiencing the high school teacher's enviroment, I've changed my mind again.

Except this isn't exactly a change of mind as it is an embracing of my pipe dream, which just so happens to be the same "if only" dream of nearly every one of my friends-

to own a cafe/ bakery/ gallery/ bookstore/ whatever.

WE SO EXCITED.

SO yeah, that's currently what I'm super stoked about.
I've sent in some request for information things from culinary schools in the greater Columbus area, so hopefully I'll be getting stuff in the mail soon.

Last night I spent a good amount of time talking to one of my friends about this, and he said, "I'm going to be honest with you... If you open a cafe, it can't just be a cafe, like with the normal cafe stuff. Because you aren't normal- you're crazy, and you need a crazy cool, totally unique cafe. Or else it wouldn't be yours."
LET ME JUST SAY THAT I HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS EVER.

(hehe, DJ you're not the only one who embarasses yourself by saying cute things)

So the point is- do you guys have any suggestions?
I mean, within reason. It'll probably be a really small place (at first!), and it might just be me and hopefully one other person working there. I've put some thought into the menu, and there will definitely be oodles of tea, so there's that. Definitely desserts: cookies, cupcakes, muffins, tiramisu, baklava, tres leche, biscotti... That's all I can think of at the moment, but those first three are just categories and there will definitely be a plethora of those. Then I'm thinking maybe some easy to make savory foods: miso soup, samosas, bruscetta, pita & hummus, grilled cheese, that kind of thing. Not going to lie, my bruscetta is pretty fantastic.
And then besides the food, I was hoping to have some local artists display their stuff on the walls. And then I could have a few bookshelves of course, stocked with my favorites and the classics and random other things.

BUT WHAT ELSE CAN THERE BE?

AND WHAT WILL I NAME IT?

(Cafe Diem is taken, many times over.)

SUGGESTIONS?

DETERMINATION

2011-05-07T17:13:00.003-04:00

is not my middle name, but it's a good way to describe what I'm feeling right now.

So I'm trying to save up money for a car. I have about a thousand in the bank now, and my parents say that they'll match me for another thousand. This is my last month of getting paid, so I can expect about $400 coming in there.

This leaves me $200 to spend on food.

AND SPEND IT I WILL.

Story time.
Back when my first best friend got her first job being a waitress, she would make ridiculous tips because she is pretty and charming (the charming part is key). But instead of saving her money for college or a car or anything like that, she splurged on clothes. She would buy these name brand socks and I'd think to myself, "What? Why the hell would you waste your money on that?" Because personally, I would much rather buy something that looks semi-decent at a thrift store than buy something that looks fashionable at a namebrand place, where the price is at least five times what I'd pay for the thrift store clothing.

And then I got this job.

I kid you not, the first few months, I didn't even know what I was doing. I gained ten pounds. It wasn't as if all of my paycheck went to food. I bought plane tickets, I donated money to the worthy student fund, all that jazz. But it was a good portion.
So recently I've had to restrain myself, in order to save up for this car. Now that I've reached the goal amount... Forget saving up for a laptop. Forget saving up for a new lens for my camera. FORGET IT. I will get another job, I will buy it later, but right now I am going to FEAST UPON EVERYTHING.

(In moderation. Trying not to gain ten pounds again.)

To quote that one guy,

2011-05-04T17:28:00.002-04:00

"I'm not dead yet!"

(Gotta love Monty Python.)

So, thanks for the comments. I can see them in my email now, but I can't reply on your guys' blogger page things. Blogs. Right.

As I was saying-

I'm feeling much better.

Two songs have been on repeat in my mind- "L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N." and "This Too Shall Pass".

SO HERE'S A MUSIC VIDEO,
in case you haven't seen it before.
And if you have, that's okay because you can watch it again.

(in which I become a flip-flopping mess)

2011-05-02T02:25:00.004-04:00

I got fired.

Well, the equivalent of it. They said that they aren't giving me a contract for next year, which is the same thing. Technically, "they" didn't say anything. Dean Kristy had to break it to me.
No tears, no real breakdowns, none of that.
To be honest, I'm not that concerned about the fact that I just got fired. I mean, they had legitimate reasons. I've slept through two classes that I was supposed to have been subbing, I lose my phone and keys on a regular basis, et cetera. I've got my pros, but my cons were enough to get me fired. So be it.

No, I'm more worried about what happens next.
What colleges do I want to go to? Where can I find another job? I really want to apply for a college in Australia, and England. Is my desire to leave the country just me running away from my problems, in the same way that me switching states was? Where will I live? I need to buy a car, I want to buy a laptop, I need to pay off my student loans, I HAVE NO JOB. I HAVE NO PLANS.

Essentially, this is just a giant slap in the face & someone screaming, "HEY WAKE UP! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING, AND IT'S TIME THAT YOU KNOW IT!"

A few days before this happened, I was writing about how much I would love to travel. Well, here's my opportunity. Study abroad! Run away from life! Have fun exploring! Go through the pain of separation once again! Carpe diem!

Do I have the right to wallow a little bit?
Okay, here's something that bugs me-
The people who fired me are leaving next year. Everyone else thinks I'm a great assistant dean. Hey, this is my first real job, and it's a super relaxed enviroment. Can I get some time to adjust? No? Oh hey, that's cool.
Dean Kristy and I had a meeting with the RAs in the dorm, and I had her tell them because I know that I have a tendency to be blunt. So she says, "Dean Genevieve has decided to go back to school next year, and won't be here." WHAT? I mean, I get it: don't make them panic, protect your bosses, whatever. But I guess the reason I'm so blunt is because I think that telling only half the truth is still telling half a lie. So in my mind, she wasn't telling the truth, and it kind of upsets me.
We're going to have a dorm meeting sometime this week, and I'm going to have to stick to what she said. Not because I want to, but because I know it's the right thing to do and I'm an adult.
I don't need to drag my personal feelings into my job, even though my job is basically everything to me seeing as how I spend 99% of my time here. Sure, no problem. I just decided to go back to college after telling everyone that I'd be coming back next year. Yeah, great.

Fffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuudge brownies.

It's late. I'm probably going to feel a little different about everything in the morning. Whatever. I just want a job.

Haircut?

2011-04-15T18:49:00.004-04:00

I really want a haircut.

In a perfect world, I would look fabulous with a pixie cut... but no such luck.
The funny and slightly sad thing is that ever since I can remember, even when I was in elementary school, I've always wanted to get a pixie cut. Like, super short. This might stem from when I once actually had a pixie cut, before it grew out. It was in kindergarten and 1st grade, and everyone mistook me for a boy. I loved it. Classmates would come from behind and ask, "Mitch?" and then I'd turn around frowning and they'd say, "Whoops! Sorry! Never mind, Genevieve!" and I acted frustrated but it was all a show. Maybe, with my child's logic, I was trying to challenge gender stereotypes. And maybe not. Maybe I just liked that short hair took two minutes to wash, as opposed to the ten or so I spend on it now; maybe I liked it when all I had to do was ruffle my hair and be done with it in the morning, without any fuss with brushes and tangles; and maybe all of these reasons stem from laziness.

The point is, none of that matters because I'm not getting a pixie. My hair length will never go above my chin, and at this point the outlook is that it will be somewhere at or slightly above my collarbone.

BUT.

One day I will definitely get a pixie, and when that day comes I will go into exile until it grows to a length that society deems appropriate. In the meantime, I'd love every second of those gloriously short showers.

better the devil you know...

2011-04-14T01:39:00.004-04:00

This statement is false (sometimes?).

Someone told me once -(forget who, forget when, forget if I was actually told this or read it in a book or what)- that we hate most in others that which we find is our own weakness. For example- Personally, I used to (and probably still do) have a slight tendency to depend on other people. I can sometimes brush it off as a trust issue (as in I trust too much), but other times I just become annoying and burdensome to my friends. So when I met my (now friend) Kristy, I wasn't too keen on her. She was, in my perspective, always trotting along behind us, as if she were a stray puppy that needed someone to take care of her. She always wanted to hang out, to talk, to go do something. Thus, I recognized my own weakness in her, and disdained her for it.
I've gotten over that particular hurdle, seeing as how we're friends now, but still.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because I'm trying to figure out what's going wrong here in the dorm. Recently I've been having issues with some of the girls, and I've been wallowing in it for a while now trying to figure it out. Now I'm thinking, maybe the above situation is the case. The more it sits in my head, the more reasonable it starts looking. One of the girls tends to be lazy- check for myself. Another has a problem with authority/ being bossed around- check. There's a girl who I manage to get along with most of the time, except when she's being a hermit and sequestering herself with manga and music and forgetting about the outside world- check. Yet another tends to be forgetful, flighty, and wears herself out trying to help people without dealing with her own crap- check check check.

SO basically, I have to get over myself and just learn to deal with it.
Bite the bullet, grin and bear it, take one for the team, keep on keeping on, etc.
Also I have to work on my own personal problems, and better myself or whatever.
Aaaauuuuugh.

ALSO,
PS,
this site is pretty fantastic.
Especially if you're someone like me who has trouble winding down when it's time for bed.

(anyways).

2011-03-28T14:43:00.002-04:00

Whenever I hear "Lady" by Regina Spektor, I see this chanteuse in a smoky room cradling a microphone.

That has absolutely nothing to do with anything, so anyways.
I'm feeling much better now, thank you. It may have been a combination of the early hour, lack of sleep, and everything else that trails along with that kind of thing.

The mission trip was amazing. The mural is almost done, we're going back again to finish it. I'll have pictures definitely, possibly a stop-motion video if I can get it figured out.

wow wow wow

2011-03-23T01:57:00.002-04:00

This morning, I was woken up when one of the girls staying in the dorm knocked on my door. I only remember saying, "What time is it?" and her sentence faded at the end and I got angry but I got out of bed.
Turns out, she had trapped a rat under a bowl and needed directions.
First let me start by saying this-
Before I moved, I held very little animosity towards rodents. The mice that would inevitably show up were cute and mostly harmless. My mother has told stories of the sewer rats she'd seen while working in the city, but the weren't real to me.
That has changed.
I fudged around for a bit, debating on who I could ask to kill it. Whether or not someone would kill it was out of the question. When I had exhausted my supply of people, I grabbed the largest book I could find (Spirit of Prophecy, Volume One) picked up the bowl (there was a book underneath, to keep the rat trapped) and took it outside. I asked someone to lift the bowl, and as soon as they did I threw that book as hard as I could down onto the rat.
It tried to run away after the first throw, so I picked up the book and smashed it twice more. I watched the rat until it stopped twitching, picked up the book, and went inside.

Thank God that the day went uphill from there.

HAHAHAHAAA...
But really, my day was actually pretty awesome after that, considering that I'm really good at not thinking about things.
This was where I was going to describe my day, but anything after that little experience sounds... I don't know, but it doesn't make sense.

C'est la vie, in the truest form.

(movement)

2011-03-16T19:58:00.003-04:00

Subbing classes turned out to be boring because they were just taking tests and working individually, so I had a lot of time on my hands.
Did this in paint, on the teacher's laptop. Hehe.
I imagine it's part of a dance sequence, like West Side Story or something.

rage.

2011-03-13T03:40:00.003-04:00

A while back, I put my phone through the wash (extra rinse). Not on purpose, of course. The point is that I really missed the whole thing where I had the power to keep in touch with my friends in my pocket. Plus I really need it for my job.
So FINALLY my sister sent me her old phone, and I got it today. I activated it, and I was SO EXCITED up until I noticed that this phone is STUPID BEYOND BELIEF.
This screen keeps coming up saying that some software update from Verizon is going to automatically download itself now, and it never gets past 0%. It pops up about every minute, interupting everything except phone calls.
It hates me. The phone HATES ME, and the feeling is mutual. My initial feeling of happiness has worn off and now I just want to chuck it at a wall and smash it to pieces with my bare fists.
MY RAGE BURNS WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND SUNS.

Also, yesterday I had a dream that a guy told me that I had to marry him somewhere between fourteen hours from then and fourteen days.
So my subconcious is giving me a time limit.
Weird.

rough morning

2011-03-07T18:24:00.003-05:00

This is how I feel (and look) almost every morning, actually. Except maybe Sundays and Tuesdays.

[some browsers are showing just a tiny little thing, so just click it]

But it's been especially interesting lately, throwing in all these other responsibilities. I mean, I went from living with my parents & being a college bum, then moved across the states to become an upright role model in charge of a dorm full of girls (only 20 girls, but still). And recently I've been subbing classes like a mad woman, which is a totally different atmosphere than working in the dorm. For one, I have to really get dressed. No more pulling on the first pair of jeans that I see and throwing my hair in a ponytail. Two is a little hard to explain unless you've ever experienced something similar to confronting a pack of semi-feral animals or small children. You have to project dominance and self-esteem right off the bat, or they'll trample you and gnaw your bones. Figuratively.

Anyways.

It's my day off tomorrow, so I don't have much to do besides my adco meeting, hopefully (finally!) getting my license, and then subbing an English class. And maybe going to the store and the library.

HEY. HEY! READ THIS!

2011-02-28T00:36:00.002-05:00

That is, if you're someone who has noticed that I haven't commented on your blog recently...
It is because I am SUDDENLY UNABLE TO because of the STUPID BLOCKS on the school computers.
Hopefully I will find time to borrow a student's laptop sometime this week, because I can see that you guys have new posts (Alia, Soogie, Nutmeg, etc.) and it really bums me out that I can't read them. I can't even see comments now, so we're back to how it was when I first got here.
Add that onto the list of people I would talk to if I had a working cell phone again, and I'm feeling very cut off from the outside world.
Gmail, anyone?

Frustrated & flattered

2011-02-23T11:42:00.002-05:00

and vice versa.

SO here's the deal-
Starting around the middle or end of first semester, people have been trying to set me up with either of the single men on campus. At first it was just my bosses joking around. I thought, "They're being funny, just laugh along and it will pass."
Then it was the dorm girls joking around. "Maybe if I change the subject," I thought, "they'll get distracted."
And then a few of the boys began joking around, and I thought, "This is getting kind of old now."
AND THEN one of the freshman girls comes into my office and tries to lecture me about my future married life.
At that point, I stopped thinking and instead started brewing, letting the righteous frustration build up inside. How dare they! Just because I'm single, I need a man? These people know nothing about me, how could they possibly assume that I would appreciate their relationship advice?
And so forth.

The other day, I gave a small hint of these thoughts to DK, who immediately managed to pull the rug out from under all of my frustration.
"You don't see anyone trying to set the math teacher up with anyone. She's single, plus she's been here longer than you have."
She continued to explain that all of this effort put into match-making was just everyone's underhanded (and possibly unknowing) way of saying, "Please stay here. We like you enough that we want a guarantee of you not leaving."
Which, I admit, made me feel slightly warm and fuzzy for a while.

And yet...
It's very sweet of them to want me to stay, but I'm not sure that's what I want to do. I love it here, but do I love it enough to make it my home? How could I possibly know, when I have so much left to explore? Not to mention the absence of seasons, and my inability to deal with high temperatures; I'd be incapacitated for about half the year.
There's quite a bit to consider.

IN OTHER NEWS,

What the heck!
I wish so badly that there was something we could do to help the protesters in Africa (I'm thinking Libya, but there are probably plenty of others who need it). I need to do some searching and see if there are any independent groups doing anything, because I'm sure that the government isn't going to make any moves. I can somewhat understand why, but I still want to help.

Singles Awareness Day?

2011-02-14T13:30:00.003-05:00

I give up.
Why rant and rave, or even just mumble under my breath, about the evils of Valentines Day?
I mean, a good portion of my friends are in the same boat of single that I am, so it's not like we're actually "alone". Plus, why would I want to ruin a day where those of my friends who are in a happy relationship have an excuse to celebrate having one another?
It would be bitter and selfish.

So I'll just eat all of these strawberry cupcakes by myself.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

warm-fuzzies and warnings

2011-02-09T02:14:00.002-05:00

First off,
THANK YOU SAB!
If this post was a letter then I'd wear it out with wonder and disbelief and happy feelings.

Secondly,
I've just gotten over the stomach flu, and I will spare you the gritty details but it was NOT a pleasant experience at all. Along with that, I'm going to be working almost non-stop for another week, so you won't be reading much of anything on any of my sites. Not that I have a regular posting schedule anyways (maybe I should...?) but this time I have legitimate reasons. Three cheers for legitimate reasons!

If you know what Academy Days is, then wish me luck. Starting Thursday, we shall be entering the thick of battle and I will wield my dean-ness with all the might of a mighty person. The first thing that came to mind was Braveheart, actually, but that's an unrealistic comparison. I would never moon the enemy in this scenario.

ANYWAYS
I'm going to stop myself before an injury occurs.

To my friends...

2011-02-01T15:59:00.003-05:00

Last Thursday, Dean Kristy left for Michigan with her husband & baby to see grandparents, parents, old friends and old places. That left me to hold down the fort until Monday. This task, in istelf, was actually easier than it sounds. I enjoy being busy, so cleaning and subbing classes and helping girls wasn't really a huge chore for me. Granted I was physically and mentally exhausted at the end of each day (sometimes in the middle of the day), but sleep is much more rewarding when I've earned it.
The hardest part of anything that I've been doing here has been surviving without friends nearby.
Now that isn't to say that I don't have any friends, or that we never talk and I feel neglected or something along those lines. I love my friends dearly, and I know they love me; and some days just the thought of them existing in their own seperate parts of the world, and the recalling of our good times together, is enough to get me through whatever it is that I'm dealing with.
But in the long run, I'm the sort of person who depends on the physical reassurance of closeness. That tends to puts a damper on things.

So this post is going to be dedicated to my friends everywhere, whom I miss dearly. I won't write too much, because I've already written a small novel, so I have to warn any friends reading this that these snippets will by no means cover the extent of how much I love you. Alphabetical order, anyone?

Alia, NY- I wish I hadn’t taken so long to hang out with you over Winter break, so that we could’ve done more than just have breakfast at Bob Evan’s (it was delicious anyways, but still). Our downtown adventures are the best! Thanks for inspiring me with your talent.

Allen, Dayton (OH)- You always make me laugh, without fail. I apologize for my failure to keep in contact with you, and to be there when you needed me. Thank you for driving from Dayton and back to hang out with me- it really meant a lot.

Amy, Columbus (OH)- Hopefully you didn’t get tired of me over that last break, because I really appreciate you putting up with me. We’ve been friends for so long, being around you is like second nature. Thank you for always being on the same page.

DJ, AL- It still makes me feel special that I’m one of the few people that still call you that! You have been a huge pillar of strength for me his year- you’ve forced me to keep in touch, and I really rely on that. Thank you for all those long conversations.

Kristy, WV- Ours has been a stubborn friendship, and I’m glad that you were so persistent in being my friend (even though I may not have appreciated it at the time). You taught me so many things. Thank you for persevering and pushing me forward.

Lance, WA- Your near-constant cheerfulness has always kept me in awe- it takes true strength to do that. I love when you complain to me, or anything like that. It makes me feel privileged. Thanks for trusting me, and for showing me how to be kind.

Meg, MO- Nerd buddy! Words can’t express how much I loved being your roommate, even if you sometimes regretted being mine. You’ve been a constant source of motivation, and I will always be (one of) your top fans. Thank you for putting up with me.

Ricky, ID- One of the things I will always treasure in my heart are those quiet moments when you would play piano and I would just sit in the sun and listen. I will always be amazed by your talent and humor. Thanks for those moments and for commiserating.

Sami, Mt Vernon (OH)- My fellow Italian! You are one of the strongest women I know, and I stand in wonder of your determination to keep on keeping on, despite any circumstances. Thank you for beating me into a stronger person, and for feeding me.

I obviously didn't get every single one of my friends.
Thanks to everyone, and I will always love you.

11:11

2011-01-11T00:29:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try to make an epic wish tonight.
This is going to take some planning.

questionable decisions.

2011-01-06T01:21:00.002-05:00

I find that night-time is often when I am at my most creative, and also when I make the best-sounding decisions in theory; but put into practice, they become slightly less ground-breaking.
It's not terribly late in Arizona right now, but I'm starting to feel the lack of sleep that had been haunting me in Ohio and has followed me back.

I still can't think of any resolutions for the New Year, and I don't think I really want to. It's not that I don't have goals for myself, because I do. For one, I aim to stop procrastinating and being a lazy bum and finally get my license. Apparently, it's easier in AZ than OH, which is a plus. Secondly, I hope to survive the year without having a break down of some sort, as well as not going broke from paying off loans and school bills. Thirdly (and lastly), I'm thinking about starting some sort of fitness routine. That last one is a bit shaky, but it's there nonetheless.

But do those count as resolutions? They seem more like reasonable expectations of myself, that I should be able to accomplish with or without a New Year to give me the excuse of resolving to do them.

So I think what I'm trying to say, more or less, is...

Piss off, Standard List of New Years Resolutions.

So this is the New Year...

2011-01-01T00:45:00.005-05:00

"and I don't feel any different."

That's not entirely true... only Mostly True.

Generally, the whole "New Year" thing is nice to celebrate and all, but Life has (as far as I can remember) decided to drop life-changing things on me no matter what day it is. In fact, I might go so far as to say that NOTHING exceptional happens around New Years. I mean, my birthday is in about two weeks, but that's just far enough removed (and I honestly don't feel much about that either).
Not to be a fun-sucker or anything.

HAPPY NEW YEARS, EVERYONE.

I forgot to make any resolutions.

Maybe I'll get on that tomorrow.

[EDIT]
I lied.
Something big happened this year, but it was slightly earlier this month. It's just that I'm still dealing with it.
Also, my parents anniversary is today.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MOM & DAD.

D?

2010-12-26T03:32:00.003-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I had a swell time.

This guy's been hanging out in my sketchbook. He, Lucas, and an Asian girl. I'm thinking something that starts with a D. Damien? Darien? Dante? Drew?
The original sketch is a bit angrier looking, but I'm feeling much better now.
The quote is from "Missed the Boat" by Modest Mouse.

Back!

2010-12-20T23:49:00.004-05:00

Let the onslaught of people-seeing begin.

But really, there's a long list and time seems to be going much more quickly than I feel comfortable with.

Speaking of time...
I spent a good amount of time in the airport waiting for my flight after it got delayed, and this is what I did-

Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Yes Genevieve, we know you get excited when you can draw hands so that they are at least recognizable as hands, but this sketch is barely recognizable as a hand at best so what is the point of posting it?"
and I will tell you what the point is.
Did you notice that the hand in question happens to be a right hand? And would it make any difference if I mentioned that I drew this hand while looking at my own hand for reference?
...
I DREW WITH MY LEFT HAND
which, in case you didn't know, happens to kind of be a slightly medium-large deal seeing as how I'm right-handed.

Okay, sorry, I'm just really proud of myself. I promise not to let my head/ ego get too big.

In other news-
I've got sore throat and my mother made this awful concoction of vinegar and honey. It works better than anything I've ever had, but (as you might be able to imagine) it isn't the best tasting thing in the world. Not the worst, but not the best. Plus I just took some on an empty stomach, and now it feels like my gut is on fire. Not pleasant.

Also, I drew a picture of one of my family's cats.

12/7

2010-12-08T03:32:00.004-05:00

The word part of this is long and rambling, so I'll put up the picture first.
Tada! My mini-tree!

I finished reading No One Belongs Here More Than You. Mind blowing.

And this is my adventure from yesterday.

It was a snowball of events, in the best sense. It started with super glue, to repair the headphones, which made it possible to listen to music while biking, which made it easier to not think about the burn of long-ignored muscles as they carried my body and messenger bag down the road that led to a bookstore. The bookstore was my first stop, and I soaked in it like a tired mother/nurse/(anyone-who-works-as-hard) soaks in a steaming bubble bath; grateful, sighing, sinking, and not thinking about anything in particular except the wonderful feeling of just existing. Books reached out to me, held me, stroked my back and whispered words of rest and comfort that no one else knew to say. Time let go of me, and I let go of Time, and we ignored each other for an infinity of moments as I allowed myself to become consumed by the rows and rows and rows of books. I bought two, and they were the weight of feathers on my shoulders- that is to say, wings- along with a scone and a small hot chai. The scone proved rather difficult, as I was untaught in the art of managing not to scatter crumbs, but I did learn how to only scatter them on the plate in front of me. It wasn’t until my scone was gone and my cup emptied and the first book half read that I felt maybe, perhaps, I should move on? The suggestion was brought up hesitantly in my mind; seeing as how I felt no serious urge to reject the idea, I began walking. My feet carried me to Anthropologie (I’m not afraid to say the name!). The feeling of belonging hit me rather like a belly flop into water, except without the pain and discomfort that follows; the sudden strike, and then a gentle float to the bottom of the pool. This pool smelled like everything I wanted to smell like, with lovely textures and gorgeous colors and patterns and pages and everything was beautiful. From this point on, words begin to fail me. I ceased to think in coherent sentences or thoughts, and generally ceased thinking at all; I let the wave of my five immediate senses wash over me, and over, and over, until I was saturated and full and drunk with it. Honey and The Moon- it was the scented lotion that I rubbed on my hands after leaving the dressing room, as if it could lift away the moment of guilt I felt after admitting that yes, the pants fit, but I didn’t think that I would be buying them. There was a hope inside me that the worker understood, that she could see something in my eyes that explained that I belong here but I will never be able to belong here. The scent of it filled me, and satisfied me; I left with it delicately holding onto my skin, along with the growing sense that I was a stranger in this place. The people with their false hair, faces, loves, lives. I could feel myself pushing through them; nearly laughed out loud when I thought of how ridiculous they looked. How can you loathe something so absurd? The man who doesn’t glance twice when his wife detaches from his arm to enter into a jewelry store; the face with uncertain age, stretched and pulled until it is monstrous in form; another man, walking alone with his cigarette, dressed all in expensive black clothes and black hair and a swagger that speaks of easy living- him I found especially humorous, for some reason. The way he strutted, almost gesturing with his arm as he brought the cigarette to his mouth and back down; his dark wardrobe that made him look like a waiter. That was probably it- for all his fancy clothes, he looked like a sleazy waiter in a rundown bar, the kind that buys his fancy suits with other people’s money. Before he could pass me, I crossed the street to where I had propped my bike. Earlier I had prayed that it wouldn’t get stolen, and I was relieved to find it whole and still in place.
After the first time I crossed the busy streets on my return journey, I didn’t have to stop to wait to cross the rest of the way. I let the falling night jangle inside my head, strumming the tight strings of consciousness that I hadn’t played in a while. Tunes of light blue fading into yellow, searching for the shade of green in between them and getting distracted by the sliver of moon above the horizon and the silhouette of a large cactus; the cacophony of riding on the side of the road so that traffic was coming towards me, catching me in their tunnels of dry air and dust, highlighting me with their cones of light; the symphony of cool air on my arms, caressing my face, running its fingers through my hair and down my neck- the song of living filled me, and I laughed with the small gasping breathes that I could take from the lungs unused to being put through this much activity at once. Bursts of laughter, throwing my head back for a moment until I remembered that I might crash, laughing again at the thought and riding on. My pace slowed for the final stretch, as my muscles went to a numb fire and my mind grasped for straws. Could this last forever, just this once? But then a small thought floated to the surface- the blue-yellow has changed to indigo-blue, and it is time to be home. Yes, I whispered to myself, home.

well, damn.

2010-11-27T20:18:00.005-05:00

Sometimes there are these moments -
_{(Before I continue with that sentence, I feel the need to warn you that I have no sense of time whatsoever and when I say 'moments' I think I mean 'hours' or 'extended periods of time'. Just so you're aware and don't feel cheated when I say something like, 'the other day' and really it was half a year ago. Because I do things like that. We're going to continue now.)}

- where I sink into this sort of... I don't know what to label it, but I just start to examine everything. I'll be taking a walk, and I'll start smiling and then I think, 'Why am I smiling?', and I don't stop smiling but it's just annoying to have to think of answers to everything in my life.

Today was not one of those days.
I don't think I did a single productive thing, but that's okay because
DEATHLY HALLOWS.
Adoration and wonder and bitter tears.

Also, break ends tomorrow.
Dean Kristy and I are not appreciating that.

ALSO ALSO
Bethany left her mini-pink-plastic Christmas tree here, and now it is up and decorated. Pictures soon, maybe perhaps someday possibly perhaps.

Dandelion with Humor

2010-11-24T18:21:00.002-05:00

In case you hadn't heard; if you manage to blow off all the little wispy bits of a dandelion puff, then your wish will come true.
So I was outside, and I had passed this patch of dandelion puffs and I had been tempted every time to just pick them all and start making wishes, but I was always nervous of one of the students seeing me and then proceeding to believe that I don't deserve my job. Anyways. School is on break now, so I decided to finally cave in to my desire.
I picked a full-looking puff, hoping that it would make my wish more likely to come true if I got it all. I prepped myself with a few deep breaths, and used as much air & force possible to blow off the seeds. You might be able to imagine my pleasant (and a little annoyed) surprise when all the bits flew off not even halfway through my monster-blow. My wish (I'm sure it's okay if I tell you) was for all my friends and family to be happy.
'What luck!' I thought to myself, ‘That was too easy! I should make another wish, to take advantage of this.'
So I picked another dandelion puff, made my wish, and blew.
Half of the seed fluffs remained when I was through.

There was a moment of disbelieving silence in my thoughts, and then I started laughing. My wish that time had been something along the lines of, 'to fall in love with someone who loves me, as opposed to someone I have no chance of ever getting'.

So today, I learned that it is best to wish prosperity for other people rather than oneself.
And also that I will be a spinster forever, which isn’t such a bad thing in the end but it’s terribly hard to explain.

HEY ALLEN LOOK I DID IT!

2010-11-21T17:09:00.001-05:00

You don't even know how proud I am of myself right now.
TADA!

I love the whole world

2010-11-21T04:27:00.003-05:00

So it's really late/ early here right now, and I'm awake because I can't go to sleep and there are all these things that my subconcious wants me to do but I haven't figured what exactly those things are.
The point is.
I was on facebook
-(admit it, facebook is where you go when you're bored. Or youtube. Okay, I'm not going to lie to you, I have three tabs open right now: one of them is this page, one of them is facebook, and the other is youtube. I have nothing else to do at 2:30 in the morning, okay?)-
and it really hit me that a good portion of the messages I've been receiving have been things along the vein of, "I miss you."

And after it hit me, I just let it sink in.

People miss me.

Now if I follow that little thread with some reasoning and logic, and I can assume that there are people who care for me and love me and want me to be with them in person because they enjoy my presence.

Then my insides started to feel warm and fuzzy and I was filled with happiness,
and then I started to feel a little bittersweet because
I miss them too.

There are friends of mine all over the place, at this point. Life just developes that way, with our little ripples of friendship spreading outwards until we are almost spread too thin. Except we (I) have to realize the we (I) will never be spread too thin, because there are people who love us (me), and really that's what makes all the difference.

I don't know if this post came to a nice little end point, or if anyone will read it
(Soogie or Alia or Allen or DJ or Meg, at this point, are the only people I can think of who might even be aware of this blog, and who knows if they'll read this)
BUT
I just needed to get that out of my system and this was a good place to do that.

This basically sums me up right now-

(Huzzah for youtube and Discovery channel!)

flipped not-alien

2010-11-17T11:17:00.000-05:00

I'll admit it... I flipped alien-guy and re-did it so that he looks more human-ish.

pout

2010-11-05T00:03:00.000-04:00

Also sketched on the plane.

Summer's Gone

2010-11-03T14:03:00.000-04:00

Did I mention that I love Aberfeldy?
This one is on a post-it note. Rather tiny.

alien!

2010-11-01T11:00:00.000-04:00

Alien-ish, at least.
Glowing eyes accomplished with highlighter and mini-blacklight thing.

uncomfortable

2010-10-30T10:23:00.001-04:00

Did this one on the plane. It was one of those tiny ones, with only two thin seats and almost zero space in any direction; not very comfortable at all.

fluffy animal

2010-10-28T01:52:00.004-04:00

I am so incredibly proud of this dog sketch. I mean, I had an image that I was looking off of, but I didn't trace or anything like that and IT'S JUST SO CUTE.
Still no scanner, so I have resorted to taking pictures, like most everyone else.
(See, this did have a point!)

Love is an Arrow- Aberfeldy

2010-10-18T01:31:00.006-04:00

So, this video is adorable.

"Love is a fire that you can't control; it burns in the middle, and it leaves a hole."

♥ ♥ ♥

Also,
VISITING LANCE ON WEDNESDAY!
Looking forward to that trip, so so SO much. He is a darling, and I trust his judgement in friends so I'm positive that we're going to have a blast together.

In other news-

1) I have the choice of possibly going to either Brazil or Italy. Brazil would be a mission trip and would cost slightly less, and Italy would be a sightseeing kind of thing. Money is going to be an issue in both cases.
2) My family has no idea how to handle my younger sister, and I can't do anything to help. Rage.
3) Officially okay with being single. One of the students was suggesting that I should start "talking" to one of the other staff members, and all I could think was, "No no, not for me." Is that actually a bad thing? Whatever.
4) Loved learning this little fact- staff look forward to breaks even more than the students do. For serious. I include myself in that statement, which is why visiting Lance is going to be fun.
5) On the way back from Walla Walla, I have a layover long enough to where I can go to Pike's Place Marketplace! Exciting!
6) I miss people.
7) It's not just that. I miss my friends, but I know that I'll see them or talk to them again someday and that's good enough most of the time. But then these random silly moments I'll just get crushed by this giant ball of something, and no one will be there and all I can do is suck it up and make myself some tea.
8) I've been drinking a lot of tea.
9) I feel the need to reassure you that I just really like tea. I love it, in fact. Tea is amazing. My current favorite is this chamomile tea that Hayde gave me. She bought it thinking it was chai, and was very disappointed to discover that it said "calm", not "chai". Common misunderstanding.

Not dead, I promise.

2010-10-09T16:31:00.005-04:00

So a few weeks back, I found out that "educators" get a discount at Barnes & Noble. THEN I saw that there was a sale on Moleskin sketchbooks & journals, THEN I remembered that my mother has a B&N membership.
So I bought one.
I'M SO EXCITED.
My old sketchbook still has empty pages, though, so I won't really start in on this one until the old one is all filled up.

Also-
I'm fine.
I love my job.
There are these moments where I just get so tired or frustrated, but underneath of everything is this amazing ocean of calm content and joy...
So yeah.

three tone

2010-09-22T19:29:00.003-04:00

More messing around in ms paint while I was subbing.
Except this probably could've stayed as a duo-tone kind of thing...
Eh. Oh well.
I miss my dad's tablet. T_T

Ocean?

2010-09-20T20:49:00.002-04:00

So the computers in the lab here have MS Paint, right? That generic paint program? Well this time it has a few different brush settings, like water color and oil paint. No blending tool, though.

The point is-
this is me having fun with it while I was subbing a class.

Mumford & Sons - The Cave

2010-09-17T14:11:00.000-04:00

SO MUCH LOVE for these guys.
I finally have their album Sigh No More, and it was on repeat for a good portion of the day yesterday. I'm a little behind the times with these things, but still. I need something to cheer me up after missing the Ludo concert in Columbus last week. T_T

So, I figure that I'll give an update on life thus far? Since I'm here already.

Just worked a week without Dean Kristy. Mrs Warren was fantastic enough to find a sort of substitute dean willing to put in a few hours, and I'm pretty sure I would've been a complete zombie by now if it hadn't been for that. I learned that I am a strong person, and I know for sure that I can handle a lot more than I think I can. Needless to say, I never want to be put in a situation where I HAVE to handle anything like that again, but still. Working long hours plus being exposed to sick girls equals an immune system on vacation and strep throat. It came just in time for homeleave, thank God, so I have time to recuperate in peace. After this I plan on going poolside and letting the sun soak it out of me. Other than that I've been eating grapefruit & honey like it's my job, because it's a lot tastier than apple cider vinegar & honey and works almost as well on sore throats.

Natalia Lafourcade - Azul

2010-09-13T02:22:00.000-04:00

While I'm here, I don't really have a scanner or anything.
So you get this.

Almost

2010-08-29T16:39:00.002-04:00

The guy is slightly blurry because my scanner was being unpleasant.

This has a bit of a story behind it...

In this book I read, one of the main characters had an interesting theory about soulmates and such. Something along the lines of- there are so many people in the world that could be soulmates; but the chances of them being in the same country, state, city, even the same coffee shop, and then meeting each other, are so small that people stick with the "one true love" idea. There's a possiblity that any person you pass on the sidewalk and don't interact with could potentially be your soulmate, and neither of you would be aware of it.
I only really remember that part of the book, because she said something poetic about feeling the tunnel of their passing every time she met someone's eyes and realized that they could've been "the one". Plus there was an illustration.

Demure Damsel

2010-08-24T11:00:00.000-04:00

This is her, "They won't even know what hit 'em," face.

OH NO SHE DIDN'T.

2010-08-22T13:47:00.001-04:00

Just a silly t-shirt idea that I'd like to see somewhere.

self

2010-08-05T13:30:00.001-04:00

This is the closest I've come to making a self-portrait that looks anything like me.

asian lady

2010-08-03T13:25:00.001-04:00

One of my first tries at photoshop & tablet.

plural of box?

2010-08-01T11:00:00.000-04:00

Joke from a funny comedian guy. Brian Regan? Something like that.

invisible enviroment?

2010-07-31T09:48:00.003-04:00

So I really like this one, minus her hair because I feel as if it doesn't match but the point is-
She looks like a bamf.
Also, pretend that there is some sort of steps or railing or I don't even know, there is something going on and you'll have to use your imagination because I am too lazy to draw whatever it is that she's leaning/ sitting on.

Soñadora

2010-07-29T10:00:00.000-04:00

A cute little daydreaming sketch.

this hand!

2010-07-27T10:00:00.000-04:00

Haha! I'm just not going to explain this, since it doesn't really matter.

fluffy animals

2010-07-25T10:00:00.002-04:00

Highlighter & pen combo.
Hate feet, blob hands.
I'll figure it out eventually.

en garde!

2010-07-23T10:00:00.002-04:00

AMIRITE?

I just noticed that the melting girl and Deiter (looked it up, apparently it means "army of the people" but anyways) have a similar looking face, which is funny because I drew her some time last year & him quite recently.
Pointless information over with.

SO HOT

2010-07-21T10:00:00.001-04:00

Most people wonder how I'm going to survive Arizona if I'm complaining about the heat here.
The answer is: I'll burn that bridge when I get to it.

AAAAAHHHH I'M MEEEEELLLLTTIIIIIIIIINNNGGGGG!

slightly uncertain?

2010-07-19T18:31:00.003-04:00

Let the sketch-ness begin.

This is a guy who's been creeping around my sketches pretty regularly, so I named him Lucas, but now I'm thinking maybe Geoff...?

AC? What's that?

2010-07-05T00:22:00.002-04:00

So this was supposed to be my sort of blog on the side, to help me vent or whatever, but I never really use it anymore.
For a while there I considered making it into a sort of... I don't know what the word is, but I'd put my sketches on here and then in the future I would come back and think, "Wow I was a horrible artist, did I really think that was good?" Or something like that.
Except somebody has taken the tablet pen and hidden it, so I'd probably have to scan things in and I hate our scanners- one of them blurs anything that isn't in the dead center and kind of makes things yellowish, the other one leeches out all the colors and bleaches everything. I mean, there's probably something I could do to fix that, but the point is-

I'm moving to Arizona the 1st of August.
It's going to be life-changing and I'll learn things and probably grown up a bit more and things will change. I don't know what exactly, but they will.

And I'm so excited about it.

formspring.me

2010-05-19T02:51:00.001-04:00

I signed up for this, so I might as well use it. http://formspring.me/emotionation

SCREEEEEECH!

2010-05-05T22:38:00.000-04:00

This is a pretty accurate depiction of my first driving experience.

What is this STRESS you speak of?

2010-05-01T13:17:00.004-04:00

I'm not really used to being stressed, and... this first year of college has just been ONE GIANT LEARNING EXPERIENCE,
so of course it's been a GIANT BALL OF STRESS, as well.

I never really had anything to get stressed about, before this. I was smart enough to get through school without working too hard for it, although that ended up hurting me in the end, since I did zero work at all. Even the situations where it was slightly killing me because I had waited until the last moment to do EVERYTHING, that was just one or two problems at a time, as well as being a direct result of my own stupidity.

Plus, I am COMPLETELY FAIL at planning things ahead of time.
And people think that's kind of amusing sometimes, maybe endearing, but to me it's just annoying as hell. It's not that I don't try to plan things, because I do. It's just that my brain literally CANNOT THINK THAT FAR AHEAD. I'll say, "Okay, next week I'll do this. Great!" and then I'll get there and be like, "Oh crap, I forgot that I had this and this and this to do, too! T_T"
Or something like that.
It's really, really, annoying.
Especially now that all I've been trying to do is planning things.

I'm so excited for when I'll have all of this figured out, and I can go back to living in the moment.

UGH.

2010-04-20T00:46:00.004-04:00

(crappy sketch comics for the win)

I wouldn't be upset if this is what had actually happened.
Instead, it turned into a situation where I was the only one who said anything at all, and I had no clue how to handle the whole mess, and my brain was in shut-down-and-panic mode. I realize that I probably should've brought up a common interest or something, but that doesn't do me any good now. Mostly my focus was, "Don't compare them, don't compare them, don't compare them!" and, "AUGH!"

Haha, I'm terrible with people! =D

Also-
Update:
I basically officially have the job in Arizona.
All I need to do is sign the contract when it gets here via the mail, and I'll be set.

SO INCREDIBLY STOKED.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

(PS-
I started reading the sketch comic thing as if it were a manga, and I confused myself. This is probably a sign that I should lay off on that for a while...)

ten! honest things.

2010-04-13T20:59:00.004-04:00

Tagged by Alia! I was going to write a poem with the honest things, but it would've ended up being long and I feel as if I have too many poems about myself anyways.
You know, it's interesting that the word "tagged" has been taken from a kids' game & applied to this action, since it fits in a way and everything, but anyways. Right.

1- I have this weird way of either over thinking everything I say, or not thinking at all before I say something. There's no happy medium. So most of the time I end up looking either quiet/ shy, or a little ditsy/ weird.

2- I actually love cleaning. This was something I didn't even realize until I was listening happily to my ipod while scrubbing stairs with a toothbrush. MVA did strange things to me.

3- Whenever I say something mean, I feel really guilty about it; whether the person deserves it or not. So I end up never saying most of the mean things that I'm thinking.

4- Of my many weaknesses, my problems with motivation are the worst. It's not that I have a lack of motivation- I'm just motivated towards the wrong things. For example, cleaning the kitchen so I can bake cookies, as opposed to doing my homework so I can get good grades. Maybe it's more of a priority problem, actually.

5- I don't believe in soulmates. I believe that, in the capacity of a friend, there can be someone who seems like they're a part of you. But I think romance is a totally different field.

6- This might not sound totally believable, but I have a scientific mind. I enjoy knowing things; how things happen, for what purpose they happen, what causes them to happen... It's not that I'm distanced emotionally, it's just that I have to examine some emotions before I can admit to them.

7- With absolutely no exaggeration, I tell you that I am addicted to music. I tried to give it up once, for a few days: It nearly drove me crazy.

8- When I envision people in my head, they're smiling and laughing, almost always. Unless I REALLY dislike them.

9- Cookie dough tastes better to me than the actual cookies, most of the time.

10- Augh, I can't think of any more. Ummmmmmm... ? I'm terrified to fall in love.

---
WOW, that was harder than I thought it would be. Partly because most of the things I was going to put down could be inferred after spending 10 minutes with me.